On my birthday this year I forcibly coerced each of my friends to go around and say their favorite things about me (both physically and emotionally of course). It’s a fun game I love to play because I’m narcissistic but to be fair I love playing it with other people in the role of “Birthday Princess” as well. I think everyone deserves to hear what it is that other people see in them. Whether or not it’s true I’ve been told I am very confident being myself. I am unapologetically who I am and while I certainly have short comings and insecurities I tend to project those pretty forthrightly as well.
I can’t relate to people who aren’t genuine. I feel uncomfortable in shallow situations and so often I push away and reject friends who seem to only want to swim in these surface level conversations and ultimately surface level relationships. I won’t accept friends who aren’t “best friends” but I’ve realized I wasn’t demanding the same from relationships which now seems utterly absurd. I accepted relationships that were emotionally and intellectually unsatisfying. I feared that who I was was too intricately complex for anyone to want to date casually. I reminded myself not to bring up any of my “baggage” because I worried it would make me seem too serious or too deep or too complicated. Today I want to say that I am complicated.
I think the situations in life that have caused my heart to fall to pieces and forced me to tessellate it back together don’t make me bad or broken. These complexities can be dangerous sometimes so I don’t blame people for feeling afraid or hesitant. To be honest there are times when people have opened themselves up to me and exposed their raw, vulnerable, scary stories and it has shaken me a little. People can come from dark places. There are ghosts in the closet, there are scary ex girlfriends that stalk your instagram account, there are bad decisions that cause you to question judgements, there are abusive situations…life can be pretty rough. When I am allowed to peer into someone’s past I am immeasurably grateful because I know what it is like to have a story. I know what it is like to be seen as broken without the graceful opportunity to prove that you are not. I like complexity and I would choose it over simplicity (in a friend or a boyfriend) any day.
I need someone who can handle me as a complex person and I see now that not everyone can. I need someone who understands that when I’m sad I need to lay on the floor of my closet with the lights off and lay shaking as I cry. I need someone that understands when I am happy I need to wear yellow and sparkles and flowers in my hair and will skip through crowded rooms. I need someone that not only is okay with this form of emotional expression but someone who cares to see it. I need someone who wants to really see me.
& I didn’t realize how deeply I desired to be seen until I found someone looking to explore me this way. I circled around the idea the entire Summer when I wrote “don’t fall for anyone who makes you feel generic“. I flirted with the idea when my heart broke and I warned myself to “stay away from people who make you feel difficult to love” and when I ranted about how many boys will shy away once they realize you are more than a pretty face. Over and over again I stumbled close to this revelation but it took stumbling into a guy on a ski slope who makes me giggle and somehow stares into my soul and offers to whisk me away on California road trips to realize the exact qualities that have been lacking .
I can’t say much about this new wonderland I’ve fallen into. I can’t promise it will last (Taylor Swift and I both seem to have an affinity for whirlwind dramatic month long love stories…oops). I can’t say I won’t show up here in two weeks or two months and have a whole new epiphany to dwell on. I can’t make those promises but I can say that in this moment, even if it really is just for a fraction of a moment, it means so much that I’ve been given the ability to be true to myself. I am oh so inspired to give those around me that same feeling of freedom, of rawness and authenticity.I want to be the person others feel like they can be real around. I want to inspire others to believe in who they are. The most beautiful gift you can give someone is the ability to be the best version of them self (although the pretty surprise Kate Spade bangles I was given last night were pretty charming too).
I’m off on my California adventure tonight, wish me luck!!!