The truth is, sometimes I feel like I am single. Not because my heart isn’t taken or because I spend my free time scrolling through Tinder matches (I don’t!), but because the man I love is already married. The man I love is married to his work. Cliche and contrived as it sounds, my boyfriend is a workaholic and needy as I am there are many instances it makes me feel very lonely.
Most days I am so thankful because I am dating my best friend. Jordan never fails to make me laugh, he still gives me butterflies and I can never stay annoyed with him because being happy with him is just too much fun. I realize in the grand scheme of things missing him because he works so much isn’t the worst problem to have. Yet reason doesn’t change the undeniable fact that it hurts and it’s not always easy to reason that pain away. When I excitedly try to make dinner for the two of us and end up eating alone, when I try my hardest to stay up until he gets home and fall asleep on the floor…it’s those nights that feel really pathetic. How can I be so head over heels in love and still feel so alarmingly lonely?
Some nights I swear it will be like this forever-he’ll always have some new project keeping him glued to his laptop, his phone will ring mid conversation and I’ll never be able to finish my joke because some client’s roof is falling apart or a tree fell through a window, I know there will always be an idea sprouting and adding extra hours to each work day. Every so often I allow myself to fantasize that this difficulty puzzling our schedules together is only for a season- in just a short time he’ll be able to adopt a more regular schedule. I pretend Friday nights won’t mean picking up Thai food and eating it at his office so we can be together, or that a weekend away won’t be such an unrealistic luxury.
Either way I’m thankful. I’m thankful our relationship issues have to do with longing to be together more rather than posessive-ness or communication or infidelity. I’m thankful I have a best friend who makes me want so badly to have dinner together, play Dominos and curl up on the couch just talking. I’m thankful on nights like last night when for whatever reason being apart hurt a little extra I can say “this is really hard for me” and not worry about sounding needy or pathetic even though I feel oh so needy and pathetic.
I’m such a best friend person. The minute I’m close with someone I want to share my every secret. I want to transparency, to let all walls down, experiencing life together. I can admit feeling this way with all of my best friends (because the only people I really consider friends have reached “best friend status”) and to being that obsessive friend. With a relationship (and one of the only relationships that I feel has truly reached “best friend status” in my life) the feeling is just magnified. I can happily plan my own excursions frolicking through Paris, happy hour karaoke with friends, jogging, sushi, girls’ nights, etc. but at the end of the day I just want to be together. Am I the only person whom that hurts?
Please know that I realize I’m not a military wife losing my husband on deployment across the globe. I’m not in a long distance relationship while Jordan sets up a life in a completely different city vowing to Facetime me every night. Jordan doesn’t even travel for work, if anyone travels it’s me on my own accord. So I know my loneliness in all the world’s loneliness seems so trite and trivial.
A poor sad lonely princess snuggling a puppy, eating pizza and watching New Girl may not be a Tuesday night happily ever after but it certainly isn’t a classic tragedy either.
Please don’t think I’m airing all of this as a means for others to sympathize for me because I know I have it good and I feel guilty for even being sad, but I am expressive and expressing is my way of coping. Listing my grievances, my Tuesday night woes, is sometimes the best way to wipe away my tears and realize I have nothing to cry about anyways.
How do you give yourself perspective when you’re feeling down? Do you have a go-to activity or mantra when you’re feeling lonely?