Among the twinkling lights and wafting smell of peppermint mochas, beyond the sparkly garland, mistletoe and holiday songs playing in every department store (and even blaring in the Salt Lake City airport), looking past the obvious cheer-December is a chillingly nostalgic month for me. It’s a reminder that I’m no more than a bubbly flute of champagne on the edge of a counter top waiting for gravity to take its turn and send me crashing down and shattering into a billion pieces at any given moment. It’s a reminder that my happiness is ephemeral. It begs me to question, aren’t we all just teetering flutes of happiness delicately balancing the variables that keep us from bursting into absolute madness, spiraling into a devastating darkness?
Last December I returned from a three month internship in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Filled with romanticized hope of what could be (with a certain ‘dreamboat’) I was eager to exchange my long distance relationship for the face-to-face real deal. Mere days after re immersing myself in the rain soaked city I call home, my so-called relationship ended (in the most dramatic & simultaneously pathetic fashion possible). I was heartbroken, not because I lost this person who I was just starting to know, but because I realized how alone and purposeless I felt. Dumped, broke, jobless, homeless and feeling basically friendless…I had reached one of the lowest lows I’d ever felt. It was an emotional roller coaster, and though I cannot shout enough praises for the way things turned out (hello! I met Jordan just a month and a half later) the experience was jarring. It was a reminder that I’m fragile. We’re fragile.
In a sense I’m still hung up on last December. I moved past the break up a few weeks later (yay for serial dating), I found a job, rented a room in an apartment, pushed away my best friend only to make up with her soon after, and had one of the BEST birthday celebrations of my entire life. I was still broke. I was still purposeless but I was picking up the shattered glass and piecing it all back together. What bothers me is knowing how easily everything could fall apart again and wondering how anyone could ever defend themselves against that?
This year I’m in a much better place. I have a real place to call home, a puppy to snuggle at night, a boyfriend I love and equally as important trust, I’m close to my friends and even though I’m still broke my life is filled with love. I just wonder about purpose still. Without a sense of purpose is all the happiness just mindless “bubbly” carbonating me with joy that could fall apart at any given moment?
I go back to December all the time.
How do you deal with the uncertainty of life? Does it ever make you anxious (the way it does for me)?