I wanted to start this post with “the last few days have been a mish-mash of emotion“, but kept restarting and rethinking because it seems as if every other week I’m a “mish-mash” of emotion. When you’re a child there is the perception that certain choices in life are right and certain choices are wrong. In reality most of our decisions don’t come down to right and wrong, many don’t even fall on a spectrum of “mostly right” or “mostly wrong“. Every decision has so many components, like people who I believe are neither inherently good nor inherently bad, our options are dynamic.
Sometimes I sit and ponder the fact that we are are simply the sum of our perceptions of these decisions and experiences. I think of all the quirks and personality traits, the phobias and fetishes and deeply rooted opinions that come from our actions, choices and weird life anecdotes. & For a moment I remember the people in life who have made me feel guilty for bad things that have happened to me, for experiences that have shaped who I am. I don’t want to dwell on negativity or give the people who have (at times) made me feel broken any more validation. However, I don’t think I am the only one one who has felt this way. I want to take a moment every so often to remember the people who at one point or another have made me feel weak or misunderstood or inferior for living and experiencing and learning-those people can’t define us if we don’t let them.
Decisiveness is not my strong suit. My senior year of high school I sent deposit money into THREE schools because I couldn’t decide where I wanted to go to school, there’s no surprise I ended up being so indecisive that I transferred. I must have switched my major a dozen times, how I graduated in four years is beyond comprehension. I initially accepted an internship with Girl’s Life magazine in Baltimore after graduating but flaked out after visiting Baltimore.
Do I regret my indecisiveness? Not necessarily. Do I question it? Always.
I’m plagued by a bad case of “What ifs”. What if I had interned in college instead of nannied? What if I didn’t spend two years bogged down in an abusive relationship? What if I had spent more money on self improvement and less money on shoes? Though I’m generally able to pull myself out of the past I can’t help but overanalyze my decisions moving forward.
I’m wondering, is it normal to question the life path you’re on daily? Is anyone ever really “sure” of what they’re doing? Or are we all just faking it?
My aunt told me a story a long time ago about her first day teaching high school german. She told me about how she walked into the classroom and as students filed into the room and sat down on the first day of class she felt as if she had cheated the system. She sat there feeling small and weak though she projected confidence, and she throughout the day she thought “Wow these students actually think I know what I’m doing“! Internally, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt a day over age 12 and I guess the only way I can cope with that is knowing that I’m not the only one who feels totally confused and inadequate at adulthood.