One of the weirdest parts about being an adult is realizing that there is never a point where everything is just “figured out”. Contrary to what I would have liked to believe in high school there was never a morning I woke up and knew that I should be a writer or a teacher or a dentist. During college I was faced with decisions about which classes I would enroll in, internships I would apply for and finally the subject I would major in. As a grown up college graduate I can continue being indecisive, I could continue to do so for all of my life because (I’ve finally faced the reality) I’m never going to be 100% sure.
I can pursue graduate school and still wonder if I should have held out for a different program or gained more experience first.
I can dive head first into a life of adventure working just enough to make ends meet and exploring every opportunity for travel and enthralling new experiences.
I can relentlessly pursue a corporate career with the intent to gain experience and move closer towards my “dream job”.
Or, I can waiver somewhere in the middle afraid to follow a single path at the risk of giving up the opportunity to travel all the others. I can stand at the head of all three (or four or five) trails contemplating which path I should follow while slowly allowing “brush and bushes” to take over the entries prohibiting me from taking any path at all.
It has been difficult for me to embrace that there isn’t a single “right” option, and that there isn’t even necessarily a “right option for me”. Faced with difficult decisions I can feel paralyzed by indecisiveness. I have so much ambitious potential and wandering aimlessly for too long erodes my energy wastefully. The past few weeks have strained me mentally as I’ve focused on my future. Initially my plan was to begin graduate school. I sent in my confirmation and a deposit. I prepared myself mentally and secured a part time job that would work for my school schedule only to realize that graduate school would be an incredibly difficult possibility financially for the next year.
So I gave up the idea, not forever, but for now. As much as it frustrates me to push back furthering my education I am beginning to realize that another year or two of experience prior to grad school might not be the worst thing to happen to me.
I’ve been searching for jobs in the field I am interested in as well as working on an individual writing project. All the while I’ve found myself deflated and disengaged until I was scrolling through instagram the other night while babysitting and a cheesy motivational quote really resonated with me. It’s pretty apparent but no one is going to believe in me if I don’t believe in me first and realizing that made it all fall together.
If I don’t believe in my ability I’m going to have a difficult time convincing any one else to! I need to wake up every day and remind myself that I want “it” more than I’m afraid of “it”.