15 Signs you’re (a little) too Bougie

Friday night I had the pleasure of grabbing drinks with a few of Seattle’s hottest socialites (or so they thought, though the truth of the matter is there is no such thing as socialites in Seattle). Being the classy piece of work that I am I promptly spilled my entire glass of over priced champagne on the ex-model and her Hermes scarf before I could take a single sip. I clearly felt horrible and apologized profusely however the course of the evening left me with a bitter taste in my mouth as I contemplated “the finer things” in life and what they mean to me. I’ve had the opportunity to experience a taste of some pretty lavish treatment (not due to my own merit by any means) and I am incredibly grateful. I’d be lying if I said I don’t enjoy private jets or multi million dollar yachts or penthouses with views of the city! I love nothing more than laying on the deck of a sail boat sunbathing while the sweet boat hand offers me cheese and crackers.  I’d much rather hit up the spa for a facial each week then give myself a homemade honey face mask as I watch The Bachelor. I prefer to sip my champagne in glittery dresses and would do just about anything for a closet filled with Valentino & Manolo Blahnik heels. Yet, at the end of the day I like to see past the glitter and glam. At the end of the day (at my very core) I put the people I love before material possessions, I don’t think I’m above flats from Target and though I think speeding around in fancy sports cars is good fun I really actually like my Corolla. I don’t measure a person’s worth or merit with a price tag. I’ve been called “snobby” (because of my affinity for SmartWater over tap). I’ve been referred to as bougie (perhaps because I wear shower shoes in my own bathroom) and I’ve (at times) found myself caught up in the allure of shiny objects and sparkly shoes. I can be vain but I’m not superficial. This weekend life took an opportunity to remind me not to get too caught up in the materialism of the world.

toobougie copy

For the sake of pretending, let’s imagine we’re just meeting-here’s how you can tell I’m too “Bougie” to function (and you should probably ditch me and my private plane and meet some friends on the subway which I wouldn’t be caught dead on by the way):

1. Having a job is so cute, I just wish I had the time. Between my long list of social obligations, travel schedule and self-care I just simply don’t have the time. How do people dedicate multiple days a week to such strenuous activity? I’m going to need botox before 25 if the stress of work continues!

2. I’m going to go ahead and take the complimentary bottle of champagne the Fairmont left in my room and pour it down the drain. If it’s not Moet & Chandon it’s not for me #ThanksButNoThanks.

3. Ordering bottle service at the club is completely necessary even if you plan on ordering over priced hot cocoa for the duration of the evening.

4. I’d like to share my lipstick with you, really I would, no offense but it’s Chanel and I don’t want your gross dollar store lip balm rubbing off on it.

5. Drinking tap water is simply OUT OF THE QUESTION. I will settle for SmartWater if need be but in all honesty anything other than Evian and high PH water has a tendency to offset my acidity levels and clog my pores.

6. Sometimes I text my friends on Friday asking if they want to come skiing with me in Denver on Sunday and I can’t fathom why and how they can’t swing it. It’s only a 3 hour flight…

7. Speaking of flights, I challenge myself to do one thing a day that scares me, this week it was flying commercial. Recirculated air and coach seating among the masses #Horrifying

8. I’m planning a quick weekend trip to Paris to gain style inspiration for a French inspired party I was invited too. It’s no big deal though because I just spent  all January on the continent (which is Europe duh).

You can't sit with us.

Being fancy. You can’t sit with us.

9. My latest Instagram post features one of my three $25,000 watches in front of the steering wheel of my $100,000 car but don’t worry I’ll make a distinct point of assuring brunch is on you the next time we’re out together and don’t you dare take me to Happy Hour anywhere #Embarrassing.

10. I don’t send party invitations- I just get them.

11. My idea of camping involves a room at the Four Seasons with a view of the garden instead of the city. When it comes to envisioning myself in an actual tent…I can’t even.

12. I find it socially appropriate to begin casual conversation with a friend by pointing out that his last season’s Ted Baker is on the sale rack now and therefore inappropriate to be worn in public.

A yacht has two helicopter landings and at least six chandeliers, anything less is simply a "boat".

A yacht has two helicopter landings and at least six chandeliers, anything less is simply a “boat”.

13. On that note, I must remind you to please refrain from referring to your boat as a yacht unless there is a helicopter landing and staff of at least nine. I will not be lured onto your rinky-dink fishing contraction under false pretenses. If you don’t keep a saber onboard for popping bottles…get one.

14. My hobbies include “Spa-ing”, collecting vintage Chanel bags and critiquing as many Michelin Star restaurants. I only eat sushi when I’m in Japan so don’t be surprised when I scoff after you invite me out for sake and California rolls.

15. I need three separate phones: one to text my husband, one to text my boyfriend and one for anyone else I happen to meet when I’m out and about. It’s exhausting being so important.

This blurry iphone photo demonstrates the exact Forever 21/Brandy Melville getup that should not be worn when spilling champagne on socialites. Oops!

This blurry iphone photo demonstrates the exact Forever 21/Brandy Melville getup that should not be worn when spilling champagne on socialites. My bad!

Clearly I’ve perfectly described myself and I’m not alluding to anyone I have ever met in real life (other than me) because that would be catty and judgmental. It’s tough being so hot & popular #PrettyGirlProblems #The1%

Stay grounded (like me).

xxoo,

Jordyn

  1. Ha!! I love this post. It made me laugh :) I totally agree with you. I love pretty things, sparkly things, nice things. In fact, I had to practically tear myself away from the Kate Spade purses at TJ Maxx last night because they were SO CHEAP (meaning, cheap for KS standards, not for my wallet. I just don’t have $140 for a purse right now! BUT it was pink with a bow!!) But when it comes down to it, my roots are from a poor family in a small town and I have bills and student loans that make my head spin. I’d love to have my life be all sparkles and pretty dresses, but I do that now – just on Forever 21 prices, not Valentino. :) I’d like to think that if that ever happened to me, I’d still be as grounded and “real” as I am now.

  2. This post made me laugh too! I think when your, I mean “you” as a group, in that environment it is easy to get “caught up” in it. Your list reminded me of a TEDTalk that author Benjamin Wallace did about “Buying Happiness” and what he found was very interesting. :)

  3. Totally giggling at work. So funny. Like anyone you talk to you be caught in last seasons Ted Baker!

    xoxo
    Katie
    beyondtheclothing.com