As a writer I am really drawn towards capturing raw emotion. I am inspired to articulate the fleeting moments and feelings that define us all- the experiences that I believe make us human. In my journey towards capturing these emotions I’ve gained a broader appreciation and understanding for creative expression (art) as a whole. I’m inspired by those around me that seek new ways to interpret the world-to understand the chaos inside them and create something a bit more tangible. I’m energized by surrounding myself with creativity (even if it isn’t my own). I have an intense longing to be around creative people and to gain insight and light from them.
The human experience (in my mind) doesn’t center around feeling happy all the time. Truly experiencing a range of emotions is what allows us to appreciate happiness. To put it simply, it is only through experiencing the rain that we can appreciate the light and warmth that the sun provides. However art takes pain a step further, occasionally immortalizing it allowing us not only to rehash and re-feel it but sharing small fractures of that pain with others. Art is a release of pain and by forming this piece that embodies suffering-art gives pain a bit of meaning. Art allows us to see beauty in the rain and if not beauty at least purpose.
Over the past year I’ve spent a great deal of time examining pain, not because I’ve endured so much of it (I haven’t) but because the small speckles of pain I have encountered have opened my mind to the rabbit hole existential thought path forcing me to ask myself time and time again “what does it all mean?” and “if it doesn’t mean anything how can we create meaning out of chaos?“. As a relentless hunter for deeper meaning I’ve drawn many of my own conclusions regarding pain, happiness, love and other general topics we all have the tendency to explore given the proper amount of free time and copious amounts of caffeine.
I do not like the feeling of being needed nor do I enjoy the feeling of needing another human being. It’s not to say that I do not need humans (in the general sense) as social creatures I believe we all need human contact but specifically I have acquired a distaste for needing any human as an individual. It is impossible to prevent “needing” entirely however I am very much focused on freeing myself from this complicated burden whenever possible. Lives are bound to intertwine and entangle themselves naturally so I no longer feel the urge to create a sense of kinship by relying on another for my own basic needs. Once you need someone your desire is tainted because it expresses something (even if that something is intangible) that you lack. When someone fills a void or emptiness you are bound to grow to resent them. How can you truly and selflessly love someone who fulfills the very necessities you are ravenous for? I want to be wanted for it is more pure. I want to want someone because by wanting someone without needing them your desire indicates you are complete on your own. To want someone without the slightest need is critical for a proper foundation. I care about that now.
Finally, though I remain optimistic I don’t wish to ever mistake optimism for happiness and especially for fulfillment. Though I am both happy and optimistic in the moment I believe the two traits are not mutually exclusive of one another and I also am fully aware there will be times (many of them) that I will be neither happy nor optimistic. I firmly believe in the expression of pain, sadness and suffering. I don’t think life is about being happy every moment of every day. Over the weekend I was “body painted” for the first time and the entire sensation caused me to contemplate myself and my life as a work of art. I want to look at my life like a collection of art and though I fully appreciate the bright pieces that express joy and love, I equally appreciate the pieces that denote darker periods. I am so thankful I’ve been given the gift of optimism, the ability to turn towards the light when my world feels dark, but I value self expression in even higher regard. I want to discuss pain without the fear that this expression implies self pity or weakness. Likewise it is my wish for others to freely express all thoughts and emotions. Why should we pretend something so natural and fundamental as sorrow does not exist? Feeling pain isn’t a weakness, admitting to sadness isn’t a lack of appreciation or gratitude, and optimism doesn’t have to mask emotion. I want to feel. I want you to feel. & I want to see life as art.
What is your preferred method of creative expression? Do you view your life like a work of art?