I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a thousand more times, life has a funny way of turning itsself around when you least expect it. When you’re calculated and organized and seemingly have your “ducks in a row” doesn’t mind letting a hurricane trample through and scatter your ducks across the pond (and all the ponds within a 100 mile radius). On the flip side when you’re in the depths of dispar, when the sparkles of your eyes have become dull and you’ve given up hope-life has a way of reigniting the passion within your soul and encouraging you to reemerge stronger and faster and more driven. It’s a crazy rollercoaster the way it can turn 360 degrees practically overnight.
I’ve shared the pieces of my rollercoaster over and over again- leaving a toxic relationship, learning to take care of myself, falling for a guy who taught me to believe again, moving across the continent, struggling with the question “who am I and what do I want to do in my life?”, having my heart broken, feeling deflated and empty and lost, wondering what the point of it all is, pushing away my family and best friends, allowing them in again and finally at the most unexpected time begining to glue all the pieces back together. Hello, my name is Jordyn and the mosaic that is my heart is begining to look shiny and sparkly again. My ducks aren’t “all in a row” but they’re at least in the same pond.
Just a few months ago I felt like a child lost in the dark. I felt alone, I felt pointless and worst of all I lost my sense of hope. I wanted to give up but I didn’t even physically know how I could do that. I recall laying in my Aunt & Uncle’s claw foot bathtub in Calistoga and wishing I could slowly melt into the water and dissipate. I didn’t want to drown, I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to evaporate! The feeling was sadness but even more than sadness it was numbness. It was loneliness. It was emptiness.
I think its pretty apparent I wasn’t able to reach a state of equilibrium with the bath water. I came back to Seattle and settled into the new “lack luster” life I had laid out for myself. Somedays I was lonely, some days I felt overwhelmed with discontent, but somedays I was happy. At first the world felt too small to hold my sadness, the emptiness inside me felt larger than the earth but day by day I shaded in that empty space and one morning I woke up and though I didn’t conciously realize it, my emptiness was just a small piece in the wide world.
There are a lot of people out there feeling empty and unfulfilled and lonely. Most of those people have bigger problems than I do, their hearts may be scattered in a thousand pieces instead of one hundred and their ducks may have flown south for the winter. My pieces weren’t as difficult to glue back into place as I thought they were and with each passing day I feel as if there is a greater possibility that I can feel not just happy but fulfilled again.
I want to encourage those of you who may feel heart broken or lonely or unfulfilled to keep pushing. Keep searching for happiness even on the days your search may be lackluster. Keep aiming for your dreams even if there are days or weeks that you must embrace sadness while laying in cold bath water and journaling about your wishes to dissipate. Keep feeling, keep breaking but keep recollecting those fallen pieces. There is so much magic in the world and there is a solid chance that magic is waiting for you at the end of the dark tunnel you’ve been wandering through.
This weekend was a chaotic flood of emotion and activity! My grad school interview must have gone well (despite referring to myself as a “neurotic introvert”…oops) because I was offered acceptance into the program (more details later) just hours later. I shot for a commercial, attended a comedy show, allowed a complete stranger I body paint me like a mermaid (and spent an hour in the shower trying to scrub it all off), returned to the same mountain I watched love begin again just 6 weeks ago and woke up on Monday morning with the worst head cold. Life is such an adventure and despite the sad I want to continue focusing on the enchanting pieces that are so easily illuminated should we take a moment to search for them.
Did you have any weekend adventures? I want to hear about all of your happy and sad times!