Is it just me or is life either always a hectic storm of chaos or so uneventful it makes you out of your mind stir crazy? I’m either overbooked and overwhelmed or laying in bed watching Girls alone wishing that someone (anyone!) would text me back. I’m either running from appointment to appointment or I’m so unmotivated and uninspired that leaving my house to hit up Starbucks feels equivalent to single handedly leading a revolution. Between nannying, applying for grad school, blogging, “modeling” and attempting to have a social life my world feels pretty booked. I’ve come a long ways since early December when I filled my days crying at coffee shops. The sad yet somewhat funny part is that the chaos of life is so cyclical. I spent the entire Spring buzzing around aboard the hot mess express only to find myself so bored I overanalyzed the use of every single emoji all Summer. By Fall I was absorbed in my new life/internship in Nova Scotia yet when I returned to Seattle (and life slowed down) I was tugged back into the vicious idleness that always breeds insanity! Sylvia Plath summarized it perfectly when she stated “I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad ricocheting in between“. I have to admit, I feel a little mad.
Wellness is a concept I am just now starting to fully understand and incorporate into my life. I’m trying to ask myself daily (or at the very least weekly) what it is that I need in order to remain “well”. Given too much time alone to ponder the meaning of life I get depressed. I listen to sad songs and cry about the purposelessness of everything. On the flip side if I overbook myself with dates and photo shoots and babysitting and social obligations my mind starts racing. On either end of the spectrum I have found that extremes tear me apart, chunks of Jordyn fall to the earth like earth eroding off a mountain in which all of the trees have been stripped leaving the earth without anything to hold it together. In order to stay together, in order to keep myself from going insane I require time to “be still”. Being still doesn’t always necessarily mean laying alone in savasana and contemplating the meaning of life. More often than not my desire for stillness translates into a night curled up alone in my bedroom doing laundry, painting my nails, eating Morningstar chicken nuggets in bed and mindlessly watching netflix or reading. It’s not even a time to process but rather an attempt to shut off my mind completely and just be!
Of course too much stillness and mindlessness will make one crazy as well. Life is such a constant balancing act, I don’t know if I’ll ever discover the exact proportions I need to achieve “perfect wellness” (is that even a thing) but I think just recognizing that life can be neither a constant party or a perpetual spa day is one step closer to reaching a happy medium.
I crave this time for myself and really don’t feel like I can fully give the best version of myself in social situations unless I’ve allowed myself time to “recharge” otherwise (my introvert is showing). I’ve found that the only way my “Type A” personality can assure I receive this much needed “Jordyn Time” is by physically scheduling it out in my planner as I would a dinner date with a friend or a weekend babysitting job. It might seem crazy but it’s the sort of neurotic-ness that avoids mental breakdowns at dinner parties with friends or on uber rides to meet a date. Do you feel the need to “recharge” and “refresh”? If so how do you do so? Have you found that your life is ceaselessly “go go go-ing” or berserkly boring?
I hope you have a lovely weekend my pretties!
P.S. Brittany Moser is the most insanely talented fashion photographer, check out her work! All clothing is from Haute Hibou (I seriously want ALL of it) and styling curated by Megan Lee. It was such a pleasure to work with such an amazing team <3