Sitting in Starbucks brainstorming what to blog about when my mind feels pulled and torn in a million directions I’ve found myself eavesdropping on the conversations of the junior high girls sitting next to me studying state capitals. The girls giggle as they question why Seattle isn’t the capital of Washington and talk about which private high schools they are applying for next year. The inflections in their voices are filled with sass and over dramatizations of minuscule events. The one with a messy bun in her hair throws a mechanical pencil at the one with a light blue rain jacket on and screeches “I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at your place in life right now” and their conversations, their auras, transport me back to my own years of rainbow braces and converse with doodles on them.
I haven’t changed much since I was 13 years old, not really. I don’t wear midriff baring Roxy t-shirts anymore and I don’t envy the girls with North Face backpacks and matching fleece jackets. I’m a little different but I remember 13 like it was yesterday or okay more like it was a few weeks ago. I remember stressing about registering for high school classes. I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to fit in all the AP courses I wanted that I voluntarily enrolled in 6am PE classes before school to make room for more challenging courses. I planned out my outfits for the first months of school weeks in advance and I thought my boyfriend holding my hand in the hall of our junior high school was the world’s most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to me (until he kissed me before I boarded my bus one day #Mortified).
My recollection of my middle school years serves very little purpose, so little purpose that I almost feel guilty for conning you into reading it. I’ve been living a lot lately. I’m always breathing, I’m always going through the motions but I’m not always living. I think it’s necessary to go through times of routine and normalcy but as of recently I’ve thrown myself into the divine chaos that is life. The chaos of reckless adventure (maybe reckless is a bit of an overstatement) has taught me so much. Over the past two weeks my eyes have been opened in so many ways. I feel enlightened to thoughts and emotions that I had so little knowledge of that up until I visited them I didn’t realize I was even lacking. And I’m sitting in Starbucks sipping my peppermint mocha and pondering how so little can happen in ten years and so much can seemingly take place overnight.
My mind is racing, which seems odd given the horrendous sleep pattern I have fallen into, my heart is pattering and it isn’t just feelings of falling, it’s the feeling of a new perspective. I very much live in my own little Jordyn world 99% of the time. In Jordyn world life is hurried, schedules are concrete, plans are steadfast. In Jordyn world there is order and routine outlining even the most spontaneous and adventurous portions of my life. I’ve been whisked out of Jordyn world though maybe just for a moment (or maybe more permanently) and it’s as if I have hopped through a looking glass-to an alternate Jordan world. This ethereal celestial wonderland doesn’t boast singing sunflowers of talking Caterpillars or tea parties with Mad Hatters. In fact this other world looks strangely familiar to the world I’ve lived in since I was 13 but something intangible is different, very different, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I wish I could give anyone reading this post a small box of the prettiest most colorful Blair Waldorf-esque macaroons available. I wish I could tie them up with a pink bow and deliver the sugary sweet morsels to your door step and I wish you could eat them on a covered patio in the rain on a gray day as you listen to the rain splash on the pavement beside you. I wish to give you this moment because I don’t know how to articulate this new world I’ve been subjected to I just know it feels a lot like a brightly colored cookie scenario. I can’t tell you but I wish I could show you. I’ve been whisked away.