Blogging is kind of funny sometimes. I have become so accustomed to laying my every thought and emotion out on the table, I’m so used to wearing my heart on my sleeve. When my head is spinning and my heart is racing (for good or bad reasons) my initial reaction, my coping mechanism is to let the words flow into this space. I’ve discovered that sometimes I need to “capture” a moment or feeling. Sometimes I need to preserve that fleeting emotion and reread it so I can understand it in the now but also so I can remember it and potentially learn from it in the future.
I love blogging because it allows me to travel back in time and see into my head. Written articulations of my emotions validate my feelings, I can look back with certainty and re-feel the way I once did and know it was valid. I don’t know why I find this process is so crucial but somehow giving these intangible unseeable feelings a physical space in the world is enormously gratifying.
Right now my heart is fluttering, my head is in the clouds, even off of four hours of sleep I’m smiling from ear or ear and singing as I walk through the house in oversized clothes that belong to someone else. I’m counting down to my little adventure next week but I’m simultaneously so wrapped up in the present moment. I’m replaying the same perfect instant over and over again in my mind wishing I could bottle it up in a jar and let the magic wash over me again whenever I lose sight of the beautiful pieces that make the world so enchanting. It’s the magic and enchantment of everyday life I founded this blog to document and in a sense it’s what I believe the purpose of our sadness and anxieties and stressors to mean-I live for those sparkling sparks among the dullness. It’s a moment of sunshine in a rainy gray land.
I can’t write it all down though, word for word, moment by moment because even for someone who craves tangibility of her emotions…capturing these butterflies and dissecting them (so to speak) taints them. Rewriting the moment exactly takes away part of the magic, the scarcity and as much as I would like to see it in print and reread it all day…I can’t risk tainting the butterflies.
I giggled awkwardly and turned my head towards the floor shyly. My cheeks were probably flushed and I know I stuttered slightly as I spoke. “I’m sorry for being so awkward” I mumbled and he said “I don’t think you’re awkward. I think you’re genuine in a world that expects you to be something fake and I think that makes you feel awkward because your real-ness feels like it doesn’t belong”.
And that was the most profoundly eye opening and genuine compliment I’ve received in a very long time.
Have you had any eye opening “epiphanies” recently? I’ll be over here enchanted and wonderstruck,please don’t pull me back to reality just yet.