Deep conversations on a Thursday night seem to be my go-to activity. I like to imagine it as my own evolved version of “Thirsty Thursday”…get it because I’m like thirsty for knowledge. This is why no one invites me to parties. Okay well, last night I was on the phone with my best friend Laura and she was playing therapist to me as I rehashed my thoughts on life and love and human existence. It all boiled down to a few key points the first being “nothing really matters” and the second “everything I believe in isn’t real”. Go ahead, keep reading…who doesn’t like a bit of depressing philosophy on a Friday morning!
Let me explain further…since graduating school I’ve been struggling with this idea of fulfillment. While in college I always felt “fulfilled”, even when I wasn’t happy I could cling to a idea that to fulfillment is more important than happiness. I felt fulfilled because I was working towards something, yet, when I achieved it (when I graduated) I never felt happy. I didn’t walk at my graduation because I didn’t feel like celebrating! By the time I reach a goal I can’t fully appreciate it because I have the next goal in mind because to me feeling fulfilled means working towards something rather than reaching a destination. Over the following months I went through a mini-identity crisis as I realized I would always reach this point of emptiness again. I may feel more fulfilled when I go back to grad school but I’ll feel empty again at some point-even if it isn’t immediately after graduation. The same can be said for love and relationships as a whole. How can we appreciate that same naive fall into love when we know we will end up with that emptiness again?
Which brings me to the second underlying principle that everything I believe in isn’t real. That point has been a lot harder to choke down and I still can’t say that I’m really okay with it. All of my life I have placed value on these specific ideas. I’ve placed value on love, on friendship, on the acquisition of knowledge and I’ve longed for these beautiful relationships with my values. I’ve worked towards learning and pushing myself to keep learning. I’ve chosen to believe in love even though I’ve been disappointed again and again and I’ve put my friendships before everything else in my world. However none of these values inherently hold meaning beyond the meaning I’ve assigned it in my mind. This love that I’m working towards, much like the goals I hope to achieve educationally or career-wise, doesn’t actually exist. The absence of loneliness that I’ve always craved…I don’t think I’ll ever get there.
In more optimistic settings I find my existential view of the world quite beautiful. Isn’t amazing that even though our goals and loves are trivial in the grand scheme of the universe that we can still feel such intense emotion? We give life this meaning and our inherent desire to find purpose moves me. However in moments of suffering existential thinking is a rough way to view the world. I’ve found myself lying in the bathtub disheartened by all the pain we endure knowing it is so meaningless. It’s enough to make even a happy and bubbly person want to seep into the water and down the drain with the bath water. It’s nothing like thoughts of suicide but rather a realization of disinterest in pain without a purpose.
I realize my views on the world probably don’t match yours, I’m okay with that! I am fascinated by the different lenses we all use to perceive the world around us and I am so interested to hear about your ideas and beliefs! This idea that “nothing matters and nothing means anything” is so inherent within me that trying to understand the world through a different lens is like trying to imagine a color that doesn’t exist. I can’t do it;it’s so intriguing though!
Have a lovely weekend whether it is filled with sipping coffee and pondering the meaning of life or dancing the night away in matching bodycon dresses with your bestie. I’m planning on doing a little of both.