Hi World. Here I am the goal oriented neurotic capricorn you fell in love with feeling absoloutely uninspired during the most Type-A season of them all. I like checklists and progress. I love feeling as if I have power to make myself stronger and smarter and overall just better. Resolutions are so inspiring #swoon.
This year however, resolutions, sorry but I’m just not that into it. I know I’m always having mental breakdowns and what not so the last month doesn’t really seem like it was too far from the norm BUT I’ve really reached an all time low. I’m feeling sort of lost. In school I was so goal oriented; I always wanted a higher gpa or to learn something new. I had a thirst for knowledge with perfectionist tendencies. Now that I’m not in school I don’t know where to channel this energy. I still want to do more and learn more but with the December of despair I feel a bit deflated. Someone give me a partial lobotomy and please remove the portion of my brain that feels love OR more specifically the part of my brain that continues to love people who have little to no interest in loving me. I’m broken.
In all seriousness though I really have a lot to be thankful for. I have a new room with a walk-in closet (Hello! Dream come true!) and a fabulous nannying job with a lovely new family. I am healthy and safe and as my Aunt loves to point out when I’m feeling sad, “I don’t even realize how good my skin is at 22”. I have so much to appreciate but I still feel disheartened. So for now I can only muster up the will power and mental energy to make 3 small resolutions.
First and foremost I will not (under any ANY circumstances) have my heartbroken. 2014 was the year of tears and heart break over and over and over again. I’m done with that. That’s not to say I don’t want to love again and I’m not naive enough to assume my heart will never shatter to pieces right before my eyes in my lifetime BUT for the next 365 days I don’t want it to happen. It’s just to debilitating to my day to day life and I don’t have the emotional or mental capacity to watch my heart get chopped up in a blender again any time soon.
Second and perhaps most importantly I will not be homeless. To be fair I’ve never lived on the street or out of my car and I’m being sort of cruel even joking about homelessness. I am certainly not trying to poke fun at the people who live on the street and are forced to eat garbage and sleep on sidewalks. I’ve never been there and I can’t possibly even imagine how horrible that would be. However, the past year I’ve hopped around a lot. I lived in my friend’s sorority with her, I spent the summer in a frat house, I spent a few weeks with the family I nannied for. I am so grateful these lovely people welcomed me with open arms but I’m ready for my own space. I need my own closet. I need a sense of permanency even if it is temporary permanency. This year is the year of NOT couch-surfing and sleeping in my own bed at night.
Finally an actual goal that seems relatively achievable-I want to run 12 races in 12 months. There aren’t many stipulations for this goal. All the races could technically be 5k fun runs (although I’m already signed up for a half marathon) and I don’t have to run one each month (I can run 3 in July and 0 in February for example). At the end of the year I would like the 12th and final race to be the Seattle Marathon. This goal terrifies me, but I think it will push me and I like that.
Alright my pretties what are your resolutions? I know I’m a few days late posting mine but to be fair the year is still young.