I’m all about emotions. I think 99% of emotions should be freely expressed. I don’t think people should feel ever feel guilty for how they feel. To me however you feel is generally justified (even if it is just to you) it’s how you act that matters. However, jealousy is not an emotion I condone. I absoloutely hate hate hate jealousy (are you getting how much I hate it?) and find it to be the most destructive emotion (both to yourself and to your relationships). I’ve had jealous boyfriends, I’ve had jealous friends, I’ve had jealous family members and in the end their jealousy either came between us or destroyed our relationship in the end. I don’t like to mess with jealousy, I honestly believe it turns nice wholesome people into angry dragons with fire in their eyes! Jealousy, eek…ew!
Up until recently I’d basically avoided jealousy for the past four-ish years of my life, that’s not to say I never felt tinges of jealousy here and there (which I think is normal) but I was never fully consumed with it. I never turned green with envy per se. I liked my self, I liked my body, I felt like I was working towards my goals and even though I had more issues than Vogue, jealousy just wasn’t really one of them. I’ve fallen into a whirlpool of jealousy though and I’m drowning. I don’t want to be here but I can’t get out! After the whole silent break up thing I just went through (struggled with? I don’t know how to describe it…) I’ve been plagued with envy. The whole event illuminated a lot of deep rooted insecurities that I am usually able to control and contain.
The fact that a boy I really liked was able to walk away from me without looking back, without even blinking really shook me up not because I haven’t been tossed aside like yesterday’s news before but because I have so many times. I’ve felt so lonely and so abandoned by so many people for so long that sometimes it becomes unbearable. Sometimes it is so debilitating because I don’t understand what I am doing wrong, I don’t know how I make it so easy to walk in and out of my life. I think of the people in life that have hurt me the most, the people who have done unthinkable things and I can’t imagine ignoring these people especially if they were attempting to make amends.
But the jealousy doesn’t stop here it goes to a much more toxic place and it is for that reason I am deeply ashamed. I look at my best friends and I see them so happy. I see them fulfilling their dreams. I see them with expansive friend groups. I see them in love with guys who treat them like they are actual people. I see them with parents who don’t just stop talking to them on a whim. I see all of these sparkling happy life ambitions and I feel so envious. I want to feel like I have a home. I want to feel well liked and despite all of the horrible relationships I’ve been through over the past year I want to be in love. I want these life pleasures that aren’t tangible like a new purse or great shoes and I actually don’t know how I can find them. I’ve been searching and searching for what feels like my whole life and every so often I want to burst into hysterical tears…”WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!“.
I hate this jealousy. I especially hate this jealousy because I want these beautiful people that I love to be happy. I want them to have the most dazzling and whimsical lives filled with love and success and friendship but my own inner turmoil is a struggle right now. I keep comparing myself, who I am and what I’m doing. I keep asking poisonous questions and wondering what I have done not to deserve the happiness that the people around me all seem to have. These questions plague me day and night. They haunt me as I drift off to sleep and when I wake up in the morning.
I don’t want to feel jealous but I don’t think it’s as easy to push aside as the jealousy we feel when we watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show or when your BFF buys that cute dress you wanted from Free People. I don’t know if I can ever accept not feeling wanted. I don’t know if I can ever accept loneliness. I don’t know if I can accept feeling like there isn’t a place in the world that I belong.
Have you ever turned green with envy? How did you combat it? Green just isn’t my color!