Taylor Swift (aka the goddess of my world) tells us that “Time turns flames to embers” which I think can be incredibly important to meditate on when you feel like your whole world is bursting into flames all around you. Just last Saturday I couldn’t stop crying. I woke up crying, I locked myself in the Starbucks bathroom and cried. I cried in my car wailing to sad songs. I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t focus on life. All I could do was cry. I just couldn’t justify how something that felt so real to me could fall apart in the matter of seconds. I couldn’t reason my way through the silence, through the pain, through the feeling of abandonment. But I’ve stopped crying so much, not completely but each day I cry less and I know I’ll wake up one morning in the not so distant future and that day I won’t cry at all.
The past week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster (and perhaps that is the under-exaggeration of the year). I’ve gone from desperate apology notes begging for forgiveness, to immense pain and hopelessness (how could any human truly be cruel enough to not respond to the person he’d flown across the continent to visit?!) to anger (let me repeat myself the man in question never even responded to my texts or facebook messages…) to a place of peace, sad peace but peace nonetheless. If Gatsby hosted parties for years hoping and praying one day that Daisy would stumble in, if he did that for the girl he loved don’t I at least deserve someone who will have the effing dignity to break up with me instead of just disappearing off the face of the freaking planet?! I’m no Daisy Buchanan but I would have even settled for a break up text Jonas brother style. I would have settled for a break up Facebook message or at this point even some break up smoke signals. I gave this person my heart and the hammer to break it with at the same time. I was reckless with my heart but I was reckless because I wanted to believe. I guess it’s time to add that experience to my long list of “WTF” Dating moments.
My experience although deflating and to be quite honestly a bit insulting has been informative if nothing else. I’ve recruited one of my personal heroes, Blair Waldorf, to help make sense of this mess of emotions and share a little about what we all deserve:
1) You deserve someone who will pay attention to you when he runs into you at a crowded bar because like who on earth would ignore their “girlfriend” when he runs into her in public…I can’t even.
2) You deserve someone who will listen to the way you feel when you’re happy or sad or mad. You deserve someone that understands that your feelings are real and doesn’t attempt to distract you with cat noises or compliments or ice cream sundaes.
3) You deserve someone that accepts your apology, that doesn’t hold you accountable for the actions of other people and understands that you are a human who will occasionally make a few mistakes.
4) You deserve someone who will comfort you when you cry because if random strangers are giving you pep talks as you hyperventilate and choke on your tears there is a pretty good chance you’re pretty devastated. And someone who cares for you should actually at least pretend to care that your world is falling apart.
5) You deserve someone who at least has the courtesy not to view every single one of your Snapchat stories while he is in the process of ignoring your messages. I know I’m pretty but this feels like sort of a slap in the face, am I right?
6) You deserve someone who doesn’t respond to your well written, clearly edited, long thought out Facebook message with “I don’t know”. Well if you don’t know clearly I do…see argument a in paragraph c and please refer back to the thesis. Kay thanks.
7) You deserve someone who can apologize to you themselves for hurting you not someone whose mother does it for them. While the apology is still appreciated it just doesn’t have the same effect because by 23 you should be able to fight your own battles especially when all they involve is breaking up with a girl.
8) You deserve someone who can stand up to their friends and say “You know what, that night was crazy and what happened was crazy but this girl isn’t crazy. She’s wonderful and I want to be with her”.
9) You deserve someone who remembers your eyes are green NOT blue and does not refer to them as blue all the freaking time (unless of course he is color blind). But seriously.
10) Above all else you deserve someone who will have the common courtesy to tell you (WITH WORDS NOT SILENCE) when he doesn’t want to be with you.
daily affirmations…I mean er, list of what YOU deserve seems pretty straight forward right? Not asking for any miracles here. Not expecting a Chuck Bass or Jay Gatsby, just a boy who can speak to me in english and won’t leave me outside crying on Capital Hill #DreamBig.
Despite my words of encouragement I’m doing a very poor job of letting go. While there is a small part of me that is frustrated (clearly that part dominated in the writing of this blog) a larger part of me is hurt and determined. I’m very persistent when it comes to people I love especially when I feel as if I have wronged them in any way. I won’t give up on them, I become obsessed with redemption. A close friend once described me as “persistent-sometimes to the point of stalking” which I believe is a fairly accurate way to say it. Moving on Blair Waldorf style is easier said than done (although she doesn’t really move on in the end does she?).
This whole experience has really encouraged me to set some goals for 2015, most of these goals involve not getting heartbroken or being homeless, this seems like a joke but if I can manage to not blindly throw my heart into a food processor in 2015 I’ll be really freaking impressed with myself.