My emotions are and have always been epic. The good emotions are the highest highs. The bad emotions make me want to curl up in bed and cry for days. I’ve never been able to understand the people who can shake off their feelings. I make most decisions with my head, I can hide my emotions but I have to process them. I have to linger on them dwell on them(even the good)! To some extent I am insanely jealous of people who can push their feelings aside. I’m jealous of the people who can stop feeling sad simply because it’s inconvenient. But I’m not one of those people. I’ll never be one of those people.
When people I care about hate me, I start to hate me. There is no greater disappointment than feeling as if I have disappointed someone I care for. Even when I vow I won’t let someone in again and promise I won’t let them hurt me…I let them in. I let them hurt me. It’s sick, it’s masochistic. Maybe it’s a little bit self-loathing but it’s who I am. My heart doesn’t belong to me. Bits of my heart are scattered among everyone I love, and in that sense I’m a bit of a puppet.
Through all the hurt, all the craziness, all of the unjustness I still believe in love. I believe in forgiving the people who hurt me when I was weak and innocent and just needed to be cared for. I believe in loving those who hurt you even if it wasn’t their intention. I believe in allowing yourself to fall for someone with the same hopeful sparkle despite all the times you’ve fallen apart before. It’s easy to be cynical, but it’s difficult to be vulnerable. Love, of all varieties is the most important thing in the world to me. I sometimes hate that love has so much power over me, I hate that I’ve placed so much value on something that will continue to hurt me but I can’t live life without believing in love. But my doe-eyed exuberance for life is one of my defining characteristics, it’s who I am to the core.
I can’t not believe in someone who will care about me as deeply as I care about everyone I let into my life. My feelings are sometimes disproportionate. My feelings are sometimes dramatic but someday I will meet someone who sees me and my epic feelings for something beautiful. My feelings are epic but I never give up on the people I love, and I don’t think many people can honestly say the same. I’d rather be broken again and again and again than stop believing. I’d rather break down in bars crying, I’d rather have weeks on end that I can’t get out of bed. I’d rather fall in and out of hatred towards myself.
I don’t want to give up until I find an epic love that matches the love I give.