A nightmare I can’t wake up from.

The happiness before things turned bad .

Before the happiness turned to craziness, before the craziness turned to emptiness.

When someone you care about does something really horrible to you it’s a sucky way to feel. When you do something awful to someone you love, it’s impossible to forgive yourself. But I think the worst way you can possibly feel is when someone you care about does something really bad to someone else you really care about especially when you were the catalyst, well, that feeling really tops the rest. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. It’s regret mixed with hopelessness. It’s humiliation topped off with despair. It’s feeling disloyal no matter who I decide to “side” with because remaining neutral isn’t really an option because it all started with me. It’s feeling responsible for the mess and the broken pieces but feeling incapable of glueing it back together.

Looking back I don’t even know what happened. Where did I turn right when I should have turned left? When did a normal reaction morph into something so toxic? When my jealousy intoxicated me and transformed a night filled with laughter and dancing into rage and tears. It was poison, I was poison. I don’t know the force that pushed me but suddenly my entire world was spinning faster and faster out of control in a messy drunken haze. One minute I was dancing, smiling, throwing my head back in laughter then I was choking on my own tears, sobbing alone in a bar. Then outside random men comforting me as I sobbed harder than I can ever remember sobbing. Why isn’t he here? Why isn’t he comforting me? Why was I so upset in the first place?  My head spun as the world turned upside down. “You’re the most horrible person I’ve ever met” I wanted to scream, I don’t know if I’m talking about me or him or both. I’m filled with the most broken and hopeless feeling. I can feel the pain burning inside me. Time moved too fast.

turned to dust

The irony of it all is I’d just spent the evening prior crafting the “perfect blog post” describing how I’m not actually insane. But people who aren’t insane don’t run away dramatically in crowded bars. People who aren’t insane don’t mix jealousy and tequila shots and mainly they don’t sit back and watch two people they care about more than anything destroy each other in the name of her own happiness. I went from normal and happy to jealous and reckless and ridiculous and over the course of an hour I destroyed something important to me. I destroyed something I wanted and I can’t help but wonder what sort of sick, masochistic, self-loathing person would do something like this? 

The night sort of went here...

The night sort of went here…

The only thing I know how to do is to beg for forgiveness. The only words I know how to utter are “I’m sorry”. All I can do to keep from crying is throw myself into all consuming attention demanding activities. Adrenaline and endorphins are the only ways to mask this nightmarish blur that’s tinting the whole world gray. There aren’t enough roller-coasters, there aren’t enough sad Taylor Swift songs, there isn’t enough ice cream or champagne or hours to lay crying in bed.I want to be heard but I’m screaming underwater.

And then here...

And then here…

I know I’ve ruined everything. There’s no way to eloquently toss together the words necessary to express how guilty I feel and even if I could what difference would it make? All of the “I’m sorry”(s) in the world can’t erase what I did. I cling to a small fragment of hope that salts my wounds as each new moment passes and I realize he isn’t responding, that he probably won’t ever respond. I used to build dreams about him and now it’s all a nightmare. It’s a nightmare but I can’t wake up. It’s a nightmare but it won’t end.

And here...

And here…

And finally sort of showed up here. Can you ever recover from here?

And finally sort of showed up here. Can you ever recover from here?

It’s terrifying to imagine the legacy we leave behind is something treacherous, that everything beautiful and magical fades into the background and all you will be remembered for is the madness. It’s knowing he won’t ever look at me like I’m something magical again, it’s knowing that there won’t be sparkles in his eyes, there won’t be middle of the night sleepy kisses, there won’t be nonsensical meows or blanket cocoons.

It’s freaky to realize everything can be lost in a moment. It seems so unjust that months of happiness, magical beautiful moments, feelings of falling in love, all those things can dissipate in the blink of an eye. When you feel like you are grasping something you wanted so badly and it turns to sand right as you reach for it.

I should have known a relationship modeled off of a Fitzgerald classic was bound to end in tragedy. I should have known, but that’s the thing about matters of the heart we don’t listen to reason. We follow our whims until gold things turned tarnished, until every ounce of happiness and magic is wrung out of it.

xxoo,

Jordyn

  1. I don’t know what you’re going through or what happened, but this post made me remember similar feelings I’ve had… where I think I’ve ruined everything, that all is lost, and nothing will be the same. Just so you know though… those time I’ve felt like that… they led to this moment now, where everything is not ruined or lost. they’re not the same, but they’re also pretty good. Thinking of you and hoping that turns out the case for you too (which I would bet will be the case).

  2. Oh gosh- I am so sorry friend. Without knowing all the details, just know that whatever happens, you aren’t unforgivable. You’re lovely, and if whatever happened here is the end of you and this boy, its okay to hurt and grieve, but take heart knowing he isn’t the last one who will look at you with sparkles in his eyes. I did a lot of plain stupid, for lack of a better word, coupled with crazy things and even ruined some good relationships in my early twenties. But each of those experiences taught me more about the woman I wanted to become, and each one of them not only helped me to grow into her, but I still ended up with the man of my dreams. The man of my dreams is a different man than the one I dreamed of when I was young, but he is just the perfect match for me. If you ever need to vent or just someone to talk to, I’m always here.

  3. I’m sorry Jordyn. It’s unfortunate that you’re going through this. I often react way before I think. I can’t help it. I just feel a wave of emotion come over me.

  4. This post makes me so sad for you…..chin up pretty lady; we’ve all been there. Things will work out the way they should.

  5. I want to go give you a big hug and spoon-feed you Ben & Jerry’s right now, my friend. Know you must be feeling really shitty right now – feel free to vent to me if you need to – I find that it’s always so cathartic when I get to do that!

  6. Ugh! I’m sorry girl! Although you are going through something so emotional, you write so eloquently. That’s a talent. Hope everything has subsided and gotten better, if not…just know that it will! xoxo, ganeeban

  7. Jordyn, I hope everything gets better for you! We all make mistakes and do things we want to take back immediately! Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re a great person!! I hope it all works out soon!

  8. I’m so sorry to hear you had such a rough night, Jordyn. I hope things are looking a little brighter today, but just remember that you can ALWAYS recover and you are always lovable! It’s never fun to be embarrassed/ashamed of behavior, though, so I feel for you!