It’s super weird when you’re going to think or feel one way and then you end up thinking or feeling another. I thought when I left for Nova Scotia I was letting go of a period of my life. I gave up nannying for a new experience in marketing and I didn’t forsee myself returning. Now I’m back in Seattle and the crazy whirlwind that the last couple of days have been have me reminiscing (and missing) pieces of my “old” life. I’m currently living with one of the families I nannied for in Seattle. Working with this particular family has been really impactful on my life. I love all of the children I’ve worked with but this family in particular has truly come to feel like family to me. My three sugarplum princesses (as I like to refer to them) can be incredibly frustrating. Working as a nanny wasn’t perfect. There were days (weeks even) that exhausted me. There were even times thought about quitting (never too seriously but it did cross my mind). At the end of the day I love these little girls so much and I am so grateful they have been introduced into my life.
After spending my first two nights back in Seattle essentially “couch surfing” with Nicole and my Gatsby-esque man friend I grew weary of brushing my teeth in Starbucks bathrooms and changing my clothes in my parked car during broad daylight. I thought to myself “how much happier would I feel if I didn’t drink 5 mochas today just to stop by Starbucks to use the wifi and charge my phone?“. I realized that now was as good of a time as any to unpack my bags at my home for the next few weeks and treat myself to a food that wasn’t coffee cake and a shower. Truthfully I was very nervous about staying with my former employers, while I missed the entire family dearly I worried it would feel awkward or intrusive. When I arrived this evening for dinner my anxiety quickly faded away. I felt so happy and so at home. Catching up with the girls over dinner, reading books with the youngest, watching the oldest’s karate routine, sipping wine with their parents and girl talk with their mother…it was such a warming feeling. As I lie in bed here I feel a calming sensation. I am such a naturally anxious person that I don’t often reach that restful place of inner peace. More often than not I am jittering even when I am physically still. My mind is racing and overanalyzing most waking hours and I exhaust myself in my own mind.
When I am able to reach a place where my mind slows down and stops the non stop jittering-that’s the feeling I like to describe as “home”. I’ve really come to value a place that feels like home. I could go into the psychology of it all-my theories on an unstable childhood and my incessant desire for comfort and security now but even that conversation adds stress. I don’t want to taint this perfect feeling. Tonight I am thankful for my three sugarplum princesses and the love they have showed me over the years. I am thankful for a place to brush my teeth, drawers to place my clothes and the coziest fluffy duvet. In the traditional sense I haven’t always felt the warmth and protection of familial love but I think I’ve been incredibly lucky when it comes to building relationships with the most genuinely kind people.
What are you thankful for today?