Currently I’m sitting in my cubicle at work hoping no one important will wander over and ask me why I’m wearing a red velvet body-con dress and yesterday’s makeup. Being dressed improperly for any situation is always a sore subject. There isn’t much that makes me feel more self-conscious than being under dressed. Last night I went out to dinner and drinks with my department. The girls I work most closely with all got ready together after work and planned our outfits together the day before (mine was the red velvet body-con dress, surprise!). I ended up spending the night in the city and consequently found myself in a predicament when it came to dressing myself for the office this morning.
Yesterday evening as I sat on the floor of Allison’s apartment and curled my hair while Katherine asked me about my life in Seattle and Diana applied red lipstick I started feeling nostalgic for the moment while I was still in it. A wave of emotions hit me like a tsunami, and much like the aftermath of a tsunami I was left with a jumbled mess that I really wasn’t sure what to do with. On one hand I’m really sad to leave this place. Even though the shopping sucks, and finding good avocados at the grocery store is nearly impossible and none of the restaurants have toilet seat covers, I really sort of like it here. I like it here because I feel like I belong and even though it’s small, I have a sense of purpose.
Looking back on the past few months I spent in Seattle prior to my departure I was happy yet unfulfilled. I spent a lot of time crying because I was confused and lonely and unsure why I never fit in anywhere. Naturally the people I hangout with in Seattle (no matter how much I love them) are drawn to social situations that just aren’t “me”. My best friends are extroverts, which I love and admire, but can make social situations very isolating. I’m certainly not against stepping outside of my comfort zone and placing myself in large group settings but the fact is I’ve been pushing myself in that direction for my entire life and it still doesn’t feel “comfortable”. As much as I can fake comfort in a crowd it doesn’t change that I usually leave large parties or events feeling fairly bad about myself.
I spend the following morning sipping coffee and wondering why it’s so hard for me to make small talk with new people, or why I always seem like the odd one out in a group. I’m intelligent enough to deduct that the common denominator in all of these situations is me, and that I’m most likely fulfilling my own prophecy here but I honestly have no idea how to fix it. So I’m afraid. I’m really afraid to go back to Seattle and throw myself back into the world of extroverts. I’ve been so happy with myself and spent so little time apologizing for my shortcomings that I’m not 100% ready to give that up. I’m not sure I want to commit to going to parties that make me feel like there is something wrong with me just for a chance to spend time with my best friends. I’m not sure I’m interested in forcing conversation with strangers and pretending it doesn’t hurt when they’re disinterested in me just to go out with a guy I like.
Metaphorically this is my temper tantrum. In my mind I’m thrashing about on the ground and banging my fists on the floor because just like my parents’ always warned me, the world isn’t fair. I want the comfort and safety I’ve found in Nova Scotia. I want wonderful co-workers who make me laugh and plan matching Halloween costumes and wear pink on Wednesdays. I want to spend time with people who “get me” (so dramatic) and don’t care that I’m awkward and think my weird sense of humor is funny. But I also want my Nicole. I want to see the Space Needle and Seattle skyline as I drive home from work every day. I want runs around Greenlake and puppy kisses from Boo and blanket fort cocoons with boys I like. I want the opportunity to go to stupid bars with lots of people I dont’ care to talk to (if I want to) but I also want a safe & warm home to cuddle up with Gen and watch Scandal. Give me my cake and let me eat it too. While we’re at it, let’s make it ice cream cake because regular cake actually makes me want to vom.
So there’s my emotional train-wreck for this week. For those of you who frequent this space I’m sure you can attest that this too shall pass and by next Wednesday I will have discovered a new emotional crisis to pour myself wholeheartedly into. As for now, in this moment, I would really like to not be wearing last night’s body-con dress “walk of shame” style at work but mostly I want someone to deliver me the cake I can have and eat too. Kay, thanks.
Happy Friday lovely Princesses!