I’m at one of those rare apex moments in life in which all the pieces seem to have aligned perfectly and the entirety of my being just feels relatively flawless. I have a place that feels like home to fall asleep each night, I have a sense of purpose, I have a close relationship with my family, a job I’m enjoying, and a cute boy I like flying out to visit me in a few weeks (!!!). Life feels happy, almost carefree and in a weird way it’s like I’m afraid to move or even breathe too deeply because I am so terribly afraid of ruining it.
If I say something wrong, or forget to appreciate all the little things is my newfound overwhelming happiness going to slip away? Will the puzzle that formed my euphoric existence begin to fall apart?
Over the weekend my family took a spontaneous mini road trip to a little beach resort a couple of hours away. There were bunnies frolicking around the grounds, the weather was eerily summery, and the masseuse was able to squeeze me in for a quick massage last minute. The entire scenario couldn’t have been more picturesque! Saturday afternoon the power went out across the entire property. All of the rooms lost wi-fi, running water and of course electricity. For a few solid moments I was in a state of panic, I was actually irritated by the set back. I felt entitled for some sort of consolation for the inconvenience. I must have inhaled some of the fresh salty air or something because I quickly realized what an entitled diva I was being (just in my own head, but still…). I reminded myself that I was being treated like the ultimate Fairy Princess. I had champagne, I had my family and for godssake I had the most gorgeous beach…why on earth did I need wi-fi and a toilet that could flush properly?
I think sometimes I look at life the way I looked at my resort weekend. Needless to say I’ve encountered a few setbacks (haven’t we all?), but at the end of the day I’m very fortunate for all of the privileges I’ve been given. There are days (weeks, even months) I have a really hard time remembering I am lucky. I focus on the sadness around me. I dwell on my anxiety, I feel lonely, I feel broken, I feel disappointed in who I am. Yet, if I step back away from the false expectations I’ve built up in my mind, I can see clearly how beautiful my imperfect little life is.
So for a moment, I don’t want to move. I don’t want to breathe too deeply, or dream about the future. For a moment I want to pause, feel the ocean wind in my hair, and let the here&now be-still my heart (because it’s pretty freaking amazing).
I hope your weekend was filled with sunshine and happiness! Tell me all about it, I’m dying to hear!