Why do I always reel in the weirdos? I’m not saying this in a bragging way like when girls post Facebook statuses that are all like “omg was just up in the gym working on my fitness and I got asked on a date…come on guys I’m just trying to get swol not get a date #fergalicious” trust me, I’m not this girl. I’m actually a creep magnet and I’m not sure what I’m doing that gives off the “come holler at me if you’ve never interacted with a woman before” vibe.
Exhibit A) 14 year old Jordyn is playing with the children she is babysitting at a neighborhood basketball court when a man in a black SUV pulls over on the side of the road and comes to talk to her (me).My baby 14 year old self is thoroughly creeped the eff out when the man who is clearly a grown adult over 30 asks if I ( a 14 year old with rainbow braces) will be his wife and proceeds to tell me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, writes down his number and tells me to call him in 4 years. Needless to say that phone call never happened because even at 14 I was wise enough to recognize a pedophile when one was staring me in the face.
Exhibit B) Fast forward a year and a half and 16 year old Jordyn is at an international festival with her boyfriend at the time and her best friend when a little old man who slightly resembles Yoda hobbles over. Creeper Yoda pulls out a large stack of hundred dollar bills from a fanny pack and offers them to my boyfriend in exchange for oh you know…a casual blow job (from me) because I look Swedish…might I add that I STILL had the rainbow braces…I. CAN’T.EVEN.
Exhibit C) I’m on a boat with my sort of boyfriend for his birthday and there are about 25 other people on board. It’s clear I’m with “whatshisname” because I’m touching him and clinging to him like all introverts in large group settings do, and Mr.Creeper (unknown to me at the time) pays no attention to me. Yet the minute my “bae” starts vomiting off the side of the boat and passes out on the lower deck Mr.Creeper hops to it like white on rice. He’s touching me awkwardly and unnaturally as he talks to me (like seriously it is never normal to stroke someone’s lower back while discussing Hamlet???) and inviting me to start a book club with him (just the two of us or…?). There I am feeling uncomfortable because 1) I hate talking to new people but 2) I don’t know how to escape because the one person I know is currently in a fireball induced coma so escaping requires my worst nightmare of forcing myself into conversation with yet another stranger. So in the end Mr.Creeper won, he spent the entire afternoon touching my bathing suit clab body mid conversation in front of my inebriated boyfriend and I was forced to feign and interest in his romantic little book club.
For further reference on the sort of psychopath magnetism I radiate into the universe see this post. Otherwise I think we can all agree there is something seriously deranged about my aura. What it is I’m doing that makes the seemingly “normal-ish” guys turn and run and beckons the creepers to come hither. I know I’m weird but do I really come across as the type who will hold onto a stranger’s number for 4 years or gives out blow jobs so my boyfriend can have some extra spending money?