All Saturday night I woke up my stomach churning, my mind racing, and my heart beating so fast I swore it was going to jump out of my chest and run away from me. What could have possibly been wrong? Oh nothing, just the realization that I’d kept a certain move across the continent to myself for a little too long from the person sleeping soundly in a sleeping bag cocoon right beside me in the tent. I had urged myself so many times to just “rip off the band aid” and break the news. I rehearsed the words so many times in my head, planning how I would say it, pre thinking possible reactions he may have, even overanalyzing what I should wear when I uttered the words anyone still in the happy go lucky butterfly stage dreads hearing “See you later or you know, maybe never“.
Come Sunday morning I was still nowhere near ready for the conversation I had planned to initiate on the three hour car ride back to Seattle from Chelan. I did what all responsible adults do when an obstacle they can’t manage is in front of them and ignored it hoping it would just go away. Sadly, two hours into the car ride home I began to feel a little anxious. Anytime a lull in conversation naturally occurred I felt my mind urging me to say something, but my heart, my heart begged me to allow it to live in ignorant fairytale bliss for just a teeny tiny bit longer. So when I planned on saying “I need to talk to you about something, I’m moving to Nova Scotia” my mouth sort of fell down the stairs and I said something like “I need to talk to you about something, I lost my virginity in a meadow in the woods“. Which is now why I seem like a total psychopath (because uh…no one really needs to know that information) and a weirdo for thinking that was a proper substitute for the real NEED TO KNOW conversation.
I arrived back at my fraternity Sunday night and realized I’d made a serious mistake. Each hour that passed was an hour closer to the hour I would hop aboard an Air Canada vessel and jet set off to the very North Eastern point of good old Canadia. My heart told me if the situation were reversed I would want to know he was leaving as soon as possible but my anxiety reasoned “maybe you should just disappear, maybe he will just think you died” but then reality set in and I realized my Facebook and Instagram would give my lack of death away. I knew I could give up Facebook for the sake of my little act but Instagram is just way too close to my heart.
I knew I had to make a rash decision to keep myself from chickening out again. I picked up my cell phone and quickly typed in “We need to talk” and sent it out into the iMessage universe. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, the quickest and best way to freak a guy out is the “We need to talk” text. You’ll have him wondering “Is she pregnant?”, “Is she breaking up with me?”, “Does she have chlamydia?” and in all honesty knowing that said boy was probably wondering all of these things was sort of a relief! It would be so exciting to find out that after all I was just moving across the country for a few short months and not carrying his unborn child (a financial and emotional commitment for you know 18 years at the least).
Monday arrived much to the discontent of most of the universe. I pumped myself up on iced mochas all day, wrote down word for word everything I was going to recite and yes, even planned the perfect “we need to talk outfit” which if you’re wondering was a tutu dress and pink princess heels because no one can get angry and call a girl in a tutu a “lying sociopath” right?! All my preparation didn’t make my talk much easier, and all the coffee certainly didn’t ease my anxiety but I did it. I stuttered and fumbled and spent way too much time staring at the floor instead of making eye contact the way one should when initiating an important conversation with someone they care about but the point is, I didn’t just disappear and fake my own death!
&That’s a step in the right direction right?
So why does it feel like I’m letting go of something I wasn’t ready to give up just yet?