There are some people who might say there are certain stories you don’t need to put on the Internet, to advertise, to immortalize forever…yadda yadda yadda. I say there are select situations that so perfectly demonstrate the awkwardness that is life that it would simply be wrong not to share them; last night was one of those instances. First and foremost let me just state that I have been the embodiment of “spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end” if you’re new around here or just can’t read between the lines very well I’ll fill you in. I became pretty cynical after my last relationship, so cynical that from the moment I meet someone I’m even slightly interested in I begin the countdown to the end of the tryst. Before they’re even finished hugging me goodnight on our first date I am already mentally preparing myself for the morning when they won’t text, for the promises that won’t be followed through on and for the butterflies and firecrackers that will transform into disappointment. Yeah, some people call that “depressing cynicism” I call it “I dated a sociopath for two years and I sort of don’t have time for delusions of fairytales”.
Which brings us to a boy, a boy that probably shouldn’t be mentioned on my blog because he is so not my boyfriend and so mentioning him here is just a recipe for another awkward life situation but I choose to constantly live on the edge of humiliation, what can I say…YOLO (by the way I’m totally kidding there). Said suitor and I were texting for a while, he was planning cute dates while I was mentally marking off days on my calendar estimating when his interest in me would expire. After several weeks of talking, dates, hanging out with each other’s friends etc, I became accustomed to a certain communication pattern. He texted me a certain way and a certain amount and I came to associate this communication sequence as reassurance that he was interested in me. Naturally when the communication changed and he went from texting me things like “When can I see you again?” to things like “Horrible day” I assumed the expiration date had arrived. Normally I’d cut my losses buy a new pair of shoes and spend a day or two overanalyzing the situation to death before forgetting said suitor ever existed but this time was a little different.
Suitor continued to text me strange and ambiguous text messages for an entire week, and not in an “I texted him first so he’s just being polite and responding way” way but rather in a “why are you initiating talking to me with two word text messages way“. To put it lightly I started going a little insane and quickly fell back into my bad habit of spending multiple hours/phone calls/meals overanalyzing the use of emojicons, punctuation and response time. Finally I had become such an awkward stressed out mess that I just wanted to give the guy an easy out. It seemed as if he didn’t want to talk to me, yet, for whatever reason felt obliged to. I am an independent woman and um hello! I did not want to be anyone’s daily sympathy text.
My plan seemed perfect, I cleared it with two friends, ironically both named Laura, and sent my needy neurotic iMessage into the atmosphere. Approximately half a second later he responded…assuming my out for him was actually a passive aggressive reverse psychology attempt at an out for me. Thus the awkward string of “I want to talk to you if you want to talk to me” messages began. I think it’s probably best if awkward people do not communicate with one another let alone date. What could I do but drag one of my many Lauras out with me to drink and laugh off the awkwardness with my suitor?
Several vodka cranberries later the evening appeared to be going flawlessly, it seemed I had mastered the art of coming across as completely dramatic and needy but still winning the guy back in the end. I began plotting my next trick…Saturday morning mimosa party when an unfamiliar man at the midnight pizza joint stumbled over to suitor, my Laura and I. As suitor touched me affectionately in public, socially awkward stranger called out my name (um I never told him my name) and INSISTED we had been talking on Tinder. You know your life is potentially in shambles when strangers on the street recognize you from Tinder and call you out on it while you are clearly in the company of another suitor. So I did what any self-respecting woman would do and ran away from both of them.
But then I had to come back because I’d left my pizza. #Priorities