I’ve entered a period of my life that lacks the stability I crave. I want a bedroom to hang pictures on the wall, I want my own bed with soft sheets and a cuddly warm duvet. I want the freedom to make friends and not to worry I will be leaving them in a month, or a few months. & it’s frightening because I know that now isn’t the time in my life that I can have those things. I am so emotionally drained, so exhausted that all I want is some form of stability, yet to search for stability, in this instance is to give up opportunity. I want more than anything to just be able to form relationships, to make friends, to feel love, to fall asleep smiling, because for the first time in forever it feels as if I’m physically capable of doing just that.
But there’s a caveat, as there always seems to be. Opportunity calls my name, and opportunity is scary. Opportunity means nights alone, falling asleep feeling lonely instead of smiling. Opportunity means saying goodbye to friends, to familiarity and to my dream of my own bedroom with picture frames nailed into the wall so that someday my dream can be bigger than just that. Opportunity doesn’t remember that I want to be in Seattle for my best friend’s birthday, it doesn’t care that I’m just starting to make friends here, or that I love October(s) in the Pacific Northwest. Opportunity scoffs at my desire for stability and sees me just as I am, as a frightened little girl hindered by fear.
I can’t be that little girl anymore, I can’t afford to be. I can’t make decisions based on my heart, based on butterflies, based on the desire to be cuddled, to be well liked or for god sake the desire for a place to display my picture frames. I have to think with my effing head. A very sketchy man’s tinder profile once read “comfort zones are where your dreams go to die” and although he was the most moronic being I’ve ever taken the time to text with I can admit when someone gets it right, and in this instance he was right.
Every fiber of my being is terrified to spend three months living in Nova Scotia. It’s a tremendous opportunity that I was handed despite the fact that I didn’t deserve it and for that I am incredibly grateful. Gratitude is helpful when it comes to slapping some sense into yourself and bashing your own pep talks into your skull but gratitude doesn’t ease the fear or dry your tears. Sometimes we ask for stability, we crave it, maybe even justly. Yet, even when we want stability maybe what we need is opportunity even the sort of opportunity that refuses to tuck us into our pottery barn (teen) duvet or help us curate the perfect gallery wall.
So what are we to do when we come to this fork in the road, when faced with stability vs. opportunity? Must the two always be opposites?