If you want to talk about my descent into “too awkward to function” the lifestyle, we should probably start with the fact that I was actually told last night that I am an “awkward walker” (by a boy) and then end with the fact that I woke myself up choking on my own mucus multiple times throughout the night. First off, I’ve always known I am incredibly socially inept but it has clearly reached a whole new level. How does one walk awkwardly anyways? I’ve started to wonder if blogging has aided in my inability to form sentences out loud. I try to speak and words come out but there seems to be no logical order and the chance that my point is actually communicated to listeners is probably slim to none. I can write sentences (I think) but when I open my mouth I’ve become that cute blonde that everyone just likes better when they sit there and look pretty (eek it’s a nightmare).
Not to mention the whole social anxiety factor. I mentioned before that I’ve been trying to force myself to meet new people more often (and I have been succeeding on that front) however I have discovered that simply meeting new people does not force me to become comfortable meeting new people. Yesterday I seriously sat in my car for a solid 45 minutes debating whether I should bring a bottle of wine to a “wine & cheese party”. I reasoned that maybe it would seem weird if I showed up with wine…what if my wine was super cheap and bad compared to everybody else’s wine…or what if it was more expensive and I looked like a snob?! If I didn’t show up with any wine at all would I seem totally rude? My internal debate was a little ridiculous. In the end I brought a bottle of prosecco and surprise surprise no one thought it was weird or too cheap or too expensive because nobody actually cares. I definitely gave myself a pep talk pre party in my car reminding myself that there was no way anyone could possibly be so invested in whether or not I properly picked wine for the party, it would just be insanity!
I will be the first to admit that I have a major problem when it comes to over analyzing…I don’t know…everything? Try as I might to conquer this “brokeness” it has not happened yet. Every step I take forward it feels as if I take another (possibly bigger) step backwards. I might become okay with arriving right on time (or let’s be real five minutes early) instead of thirty minutes early, only to find myself obsessing over when the proper time to leave a party is (I don’t want to seem like I’m not having fun but oh my god I don’t want to be the guest who lingers around and never leaves). In the end I’m nowhere near perfect. I hyperventilate on a bi-weekly basis and I want to burst into tears when I’m forced to make conversation with a stranger…yet isn’t there a teeny bit of beauty in imperfection?
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish to be a social butterfly with no sense of social discomfort, yet, I find beauty and interest in learning the flaws of others. Imperfection is what makes us human, gives us character and reminds us to stay just a little bit humble. Do you have any “flaws” you have come to terms with?