There are a lot of words you should never say to a girl on a first, third or really any date. I always thought these words were pretty apparent because I always thought the majority of people were raised by actual human beings in towns and cites and not savage wolves in remote caves in the arctic tundra but it actually turns out that maybe I was wrong. I’ve been learning a lot of lessons involving love and the opposite sex lately and perhaps the one that has stuck with me the most (and I have repeated out loud on multiple occasions) is essentially that ALL GUYS SUCK, THEY JUST ALL SUCK IN DIFFERENT WAYS (and yes that did require obnoxious all capital scream typing). You might be wondering what I mean by “they all just suck in different ways” well don’t you worry my sweet little chickadees, let me explain. You see you might break up with your boyfriend because he’s a psycho and does things like read your texts, login into your Facebook and block random people.
Those are pretty psychotic controlling habits so I say props to you girl! You spend a few weeks crying and binge eating raw cookie dough and what not only to find yourself flirting with the guy who sits next to you in Spanish one day. You can tell he’s totally not going to read your text messages (because now you can spot that red flag as easily as if the man were actually carrying a literal real life gigantic red flag). Everything probably will seem fun and carefree and perfect but what happens when homeboy brings you on 4 dates within a week, takes you to hipster bars to play Scrabble and makes you a homemade bath soap only to disappears without a trace just when you start to feel butterflies. I’ll tell you what happens, you realize he sucks too. What happens when you’re just about wooed by a new cutie and then he totally disrespects you by asking you if he can take a picture of unmentionable non PG rated body parts to show to his friends…or when you find out the dude you’re crushing on broke up with his last ex via email or tells you you’d be absoloutely stunning if you got a nose job. These are the times when you realize that just because you can spot one species of vermin doesn’t mean you can identify them all and it’s a real shame because there’s a good chance you’re going to be kissing a lot of frogs unless you forgo kissing altogether (which actually isn’t bad advice).
I’ve done some research solely for research purposes and determined there are several phrases/questions/utterances that should send you running for the hills even if your date has the face of Adam Levine and body of a greek god (aka the body of Adam Levine)…basically even if your date is Adam Levine you still need to muster up the strength to toss him to the curb if…
He says “Want to go out to my car and take a few shots” over dinner. Um…or we could just order drinks here like civilized humans.
He refers to himself as “sexy jail bait” but then consoles you with “Don’t worry I’m graduating from high school in less than a week”. If only I’d met you a month earlier so you could have taken me to prom…dang.
He texts you inviting you to a party with the following message “Hey I don’t really remember what you look like but your a** was really distracting playing volleyball and I think you should come party with me Thursday”. Or I could spend Thursday night alone watching Girls and eating ice cream in bed which actually sounds like a nicer opportunity.
He broke up with his last girlfriend via email and is weirdly somehow proud of this fact. If only I could be so lucky one day!
He asks if you’re interested in having a threesome with your bestfriend. I think he took the line “If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends” a little too seriously.
He introduces himself to you as a sociopath and then continues to reiterate that he feels no remorse hurting other people. In case you didn’t pick up on this one…you’re one of the “other people” he’s referring to.
He brushes your hair behind your ear and strokes your cheek before asking you “how many children you want” within the first ten minutes of meeting. Maybe its my fear of commitment but this seems like moving a little fast for my taste.
When you quote a Taylor Swift song he says “Maybe you shouldn’t talk about Taylor Swift so much, maybe then you’d have a boyfriend”. Does anyone else think a guy who can’t handle talking about Taylor Swift isn’t the right guy for me?
He is constantly making jokes about raping or drugging you. Do Normal people ever make jokes like this on dates? I think not.
He actually thinks it is appropriate to ask you if he can take a NAKED photo of you to show to his friends. This is an appropriate time to put that head tilt and “wait what?!” to good use.
He thinks it’s “so cute” when you use “big words” like “copious” and “inappropriate”. Nothing wins my heart like a guy who thinks I stopped growing intellectually after the fourth grade.
When you tell him you just want to be friends he continues pushing and asking and begging to be the kind of friends who tell each other about their weird sadistic fetishes. Except strangely I don’t want a friend like that.
He says you remind him of the stripper that gave him a lap dance on his 18th birthday. What a coincidence because that’s exactly the look I was going for today.
Anyways these are just some examples that def haven’t happened to me or anyone I know because every guy I have ever dated has always been a perfect gentleman. I just know some people haven’t been nearly as lucky as me with meeting guys who treat women like people as opposed to chopped liver. Remember you are beautiful, intelligent and deserving of respect so you probably shouldn’t tolerate any of the crazy soul stealing crap these ravenous sociopaths try to pull on you. Pour yourself a glass of champagne, draw up a hot bubble bath and spend the evening with Hannah, Marnie, Jessa and Shoshana (because trust me girl, you’ll be better off).