I have the tendency to look at the past as if it were a crystal ball. I spend so much time turning it over in my hands, staring into it, analyzing every wisp of air that could potentially indicate…anything. As someone who internalizes my emotions for a long time, I’ve come to realize how reliant I’ve become on my past (perhaps why I love rereading old diaries so much?). I look at the decisions I’ve made, the lessons I’ve learned, the mistakes I’ve continually repeated and I ask myself an abundance of questions. I wonder how each of these choices have affected me, I’m frustrated with the simple concepts I have to keep bashing into my skull and a lot of times I am just flat out disappointed. I have high expectations, and consequently I fail to meet the standards I hold for myself. On one hand I regard pushing yourself to be more and do more is an inherently positive set of standards, yet, the caveat is that you end up never quite feeling good enough for yourself.
Traveling back in time allows you to ask yourself a lot of questions about your internal processing. Each time I “travel back” in my own life I remember the way I thought about certain situations and frequently I’m able to laugh at my naive mind (“Aw, 7th grade Jordyn totally thought she would marry that guy she sat next to in math class”) and catch a glimpse of valuable patterns in behavior that I either hope to repeat or avoid. It’s then that I am able to examine the present through “new” (old?) eyes and contextualize my contemporary problems. Contextualizing our problems is so helpful when it comes to current perspectives. Perspective is the whole reason we can face a 2nd (and 3rd and 4th) heartbreak after barely surviving the 1st, because we remember making it through and day by day feeling a little better, and so each heartbreak hurts a teeny tiny bit less than the last. It’s called learning, I guess we all actually do it or something…woah!
But then sometimes I wonder if all this context is trapping us! After that first initial heartbreak doesn’t the next “whirlwind fairytale free falling into love” feeling feel a little less spectacular? Because you know now that even something that seems so pure and perfect could end? Or because you remember the way it first felt to realize that happily ever after you envisioned could be replaced with a new happily ever after just a few miles down the road? You lose the untainted faith you had the first time around, and that pure new feeling can never be reached, epitomized again?
So here’s the thing I’m wondering, about love, specifically “falling in love”, do you ever feel that same passion again? Can you place aside your intellectuality for a minute, go against human nature, dismiss everything you’ve learned, and free fall into love the way you did the first time? Can you obtain the pleasure of such emotional wrecklessness twice in life? Can love defy all intellect in such a manor because I’m beginning to believe falling in love again and again after each heart break requires massive amounts of stupidity. To put it in words we can all understand, “I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end,” so knowing this how on earth can anyone “watch it begin again”?
And with that, I’m off to Baltimore for the weekend! Have a lovely Memorial weekend my pretty little Nectarines!