Truth be told I’ve never dreaded flying back to Seattle as much as I did last night. It’s horrible how a place you love can become toxic in certain lights, or situations. I always love visiting Calistoga but this time it was just extra heavenly. Maybe it was the gorgeous 80 degree weather, maybe it was because my wonderful cousin Genevieve was visiting as well so we spent each day sipping mimosas and giggling over girl talk. For whatever reason every hug seemed extra sentimental, and goodbyes seemed so much more difficult. I spent the bus ride to San Francisco attempting to cheer myself up with the Legally Blonde soundtrack but then somehow ended up listening to Lana Del Rey and then Death Cab and then all of a sudden I was melodramatic and intent on moving to California as quickly as possible. As if moving to a new state could somehow erase all of life’s problems and aches? I think I’m a bit of an escapist.
I have so many wonderful reasons to be thankful, to be happy. Yet, happy people don’t lay in bed all afternoon listening to Taylor Swift and online shopping with money they don’t have at Brandy Melville. I’ve decided to channel my less than pleasant feelings into writing, although if you can suggest a way to channel them into homework I’d greatly appreciate the tips.
But let’s talk about Lana del Rey for a minute because I’ve been listening to her on spotify on repeat for the past week and things got serious when I even decided to buy some of my favorite songs on itunes (buying a song is a big commitment to me…it’s rarely done). But seriously, her lyrics are so interesting and honestly therapeutic. I want to listen to every song at least three times just so I can hear every word, and then I end up singing them all day long. My absolute favorite (as of right now) is “This is what makes us girls” first of all it paints the picture of wreck less, crazy youthful adventures (which actually don’t describe my sixteen year old experience at all #goodgirl), but also because it really diagnoses how I’m feeling right now.
I’ve been questioning love a lot (oh my god, really?) I’ve been cynical, and even though it’s not a happy feeling, it’s…freeing in a way. As much as I love to skip and frolic and pick daisies it sometimes feels right to just be a little bit sad. I’ve always been the girl who “needs” a guy (even though I don’t like to admit it) and I finally feel like I’m at a point in my life, a fork in the road, where I can choose to be a different girl. As girls we are so hopeful and so drawn to this idea of the perfect fairytale, a happily ever after, that we give up SO much in the name of love. Now, I’m clearly in no place to be doling out love advice, hello I’m a 22 year old cynic, but I wonder if this sort of head first diving deep into love scenario is ever really worth it? I know love is supposed to bring out the best in you, but if we’re being honest, it also brings out the worst in you.
Well the worst in me
is sort of a psycho, I can be really mean, and I’m crazy manipulative (not proud but I once cried over a pair of boots and pulled the “I had a rough childhood” card to get them…not cool). The thing is though…I’m not always this horrible person, I would never treat my friends this way and past the age of 16 I would never treat my family in such a negative selfish manner. Yet, I’ve been a total b-word to every guy I’ve ever dated (not saying they didn’t deserve it, haha), and I wonder what the point is of searching for someone who turns me into this horrible monster.
It’s safe to say I’m probably not getting invited to any engagement parties or weddings anytime soon (and thank God because I’d probably throw up in my mouth).
Thank you again to everyone for their lovely, sweet, kind comments on Friday’s post! It lights up my heart that someone who hasn’t even met me would take even a moment out of their daily lives to send such sweet comforting words. Each comment truly fills my heart with whimsical mermaid sparkles (which are a thing, in case you were wondering).
I’d especially like to thank my cousin Genevieve for distracting me from being a drama queen all weekend long. Her secret little love liaison had me in scheming Blair Waldorf meets Nancy Drew mode all weekend, which was entertaining of course.
P.S. I promise to be a less depressing blogger tomorrow, I already have a post planned and it’s all happiness all the time.