Although it is difficult to admit I have reached a point in my life that makes me incredibly fearful, not just anxious, but genuinely afraid. When I allow myself to look into the uncharted territory that is the future my heart races. I can’t quite describe the feeling but it’s similar to the jittery caffeine illness I normally feel after a few too many iced mochas and not enough sleep (or water). Unlike my self induced over caffeinated sickness this feeling doesn’t go away and it’s all based off of one seemingly uncontrollable concern…the future.
I have a natural tendency to plan. I am way way too addicted to my planner and I find myself checking and rechecking each day out of worry that I may forget somewhere I am supposed to be, an assignment, online quiz, etc, etc. In actuality my life isn’t abnormally busy, I can admit I just have high anxiety levels. I’ve been told by several counselors, friends, boyfriends, family members (and yes, random people I’ve spoken to for only a matter of minutes) that I am a “high stress” person. Lovely.
The past few months have been rather unsettling and as June (the month of my graduation) approaches I’ve grown exponentially more uneasy. I’ve spent my entire life in school, working towards high school graduation and then through college with no idea what I would do or want once college ended. As a college freshman I always sort of hoped I would have some sort of life changing experience in which I would realize exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. As you can imagine, such experience never happened and I never fully decided what I wanted to major in. I just kept enrolling in history courses because I found them fascinating and eventually realized “Well…I practically have a history degree”.
My problem isn’t that I lack ambition, or passion. I have plenty of energy, dreams and ideas…the problem is that I can’t imagine narrowing my dreams down into one field, into one career, into one job. Consequently, I have no plan for the future and for lack of a better description…I am TOTALLY freaking out.
I’ve been researching like a crazy librarian. Do I want to intern? Find a “real job”? I’ve even been thinking about spending 9-12 months as an au pair abroad, much to Jeff’s dismay. There are so many incredible opportunities out there, so much to do, so much to become and my greatest fear is wasting it all. The idea of spending a year sitting around Seattle working the same nannying jobs I’ve been working the past two years makes me feel nauseous. I can’t.
All the while my mind is spinning. I am annoyed for never finding an internship in college. I’m irritated at myself for transferring. I can’t believe I never became closer to my professors. I wish I would have started thinking about all of this…like two years ago.
How did you transition from college into the “real world”? Has anyone taken a “gap year” between undergrad and grad school (or even high school and college)? Oh! And if you have worked as an au pair abroad pretty pretty please share your experience!
Oh and P.S.!
How could I not participate in Erin‘s fabulous link up.