Mondays are either the best or worst days for spilling my brain onto the internet. Mondays are the best when I’ve had a fabulous adventuresome weekend filled with iphone photos galore to throw your way. Yet, when I spend the majority of the weekend either a) curled up in bed watching Friends or b) curled up in the corner of a coffee shop studying…well you get a post like this one.
However uneventful my weekend seemed to be, it was by no means a bad one. I spent time with friends, I consumed massive amounts of caffeine and fudgesicles and I even managed to rip up my knuckles at Kickboxing early Saturday morning. I’d call the whole situation a win-win-win.
Yet I’ve discovered I have a truly difficult time savoring wonderful moments. To put it
poetically dramatically the pure fact that a moment is fleeting both makes it wonderful and horrendous. Yesterday as I laid in bed next to Boo and Jeff I felt incredibly happy. Sunlight was streaming through the window (a Sunshiney sunday…in January…in Seattle! It’s unheard of!), I could hear music from the Sunday Farmer’s market down the street and I was filled with delicious naan bread (with mango chutney) I’d consumed in 30 seconds flat just an hour before. Everything was perfect, everything was happy and yet, my insides were tied in knots & it wasn’t the mango chutney!
Have you ever felt darkness? As if the world was spiraling out of control and there is absoloutely nothing you can do to slow it down let alone stop it. Sometimes I start to feel dizzy. I’m filled with worry over tomorrow’s test, grief over the hours I’ve spent sad that could have been happy, and anxiety about anything and everything.
I worry about being a bad girlfriend.
I worry about not being independent enough.
I worry about being too independent.
I worry about if I am a nice friend.
I worry about if I’m too nice and let people walk all over me.
I worry about not enough exercise.
I worry about too much ice cream.
I worry about finishing school.
I worry about the future.
I worry about right now.
I just worry.
Despite the fact that I’ve read countless inspirational quotes encouraging me to abandon my worrisome ways, I just can’t.
Worry is a consuming emotion. The notion of “impending doom” is real, and it’s deep rooted somewhere in my soul. Whenever my life is going unusually well, despite my excitement I am filled with dread. It’s as if a part of me can not accept happiness, it can not accept when things are easy because that bad little seed keeps reminding me “Something horrible will happen soon!”
How do you handle anxiety? Do you have a way of reminding yourself to live in the moment and ACTUALLY ENJOY IT instead of dreading it’s ending?