Despite the fact that I’m in a relationship, I have a lot of experience deterring the opposite gender, both intentionally and unintentionally. I mean if you don’t believe me, let’s think about the situation statistically, there’s roughly…4.5billion guys in the world, well I only had to be normal enough for one of them to fall for me, which, when you think about it, leaves much room for error. As a result I’ve compiled the top 10 fail proof tips for wooing the love of your life by the most romantic day of the year, Valentine’s Day.
1. When your Crush/Boy-Toy/Man Candy/Hunk Lover enters the room make sure to scream and jump up and down as energetically as possible. If you’re having trouble try channeling yourself when your favorite song comes on after you’ve downed a few too many glasses of champagne at the bar. If there’s one thing I’ve learned guys love, it’s enthusiasm.
2. If you’re at the same party make a point of telling any of his friends who will listen the degree to which you are in love with him. If it’s not too awkward be sure to work your future together into the conversation, the fact that you hope to be engaged by next February, the fact that you’d love your babies to have boy-toy’s eyes. The more details the merrier!
3. Since you’re too busy talking to the object of your affection’s friends there is potential your Romeo has found himself in the claws of another Juliet. This is when you should make a point to
make out dance with his best friend. Not only is he now mad at you, but also at his BFF, and leading experts always say anger is the closest emotion to love. Or something like that.
4. When you finally muster up the courage to speak to your future husband (after previous
make out dance session with best friend) make sure you let him know you were only locking lips with his bestie to make him jealous. Guys like girls who seem slightly insecure and jealous, it’s a proven fact.
5. After you two lovebirds part ways, it can feel like your heart is shattering. What if he forgets you? You’ll never have a date for Valentine’s Day! The key to capturing his heart is helping him remember you when the two of you are apart. One of the easiest ways you can give your little hottie the nudge he needs is God’s gift to our generation, Facebook. My best advice is to post romantic yet ambiguous song lyrics on his Facebook wall. In my experience, Taylor Swift works best. For example, a proper comment might read “The lingering question kept me up, 2 am, who do you love?!” or “In a box beneath my bed is a letter that you never read”, with these sultry lines you’ll leave him wanting more.
6. Next you’ll need to look for any opportunity to bring up the inside jokes the two of you have together. Guys love to laugh, and if you can make him laugh, you can probably make him put a dazzling diamond ring on it by next V-Day. If you don’t have any inside joke, it’s pretty clear what you have to do, MAKE SOME UP! Your cute little giggle will melt his manly heart to mush.
7. When you meet again, which if you follow the previous steps, you will…spend as much time as possible prepping for your “date”. And yes, it’s a date even if it’s just frozen yogurt, even if it’s just class together and you sit on opposite sides of the room. Something as simple as a coffee date has the potential to determine the fate of the entirety of your relationship. By all means invest in a tanning package, new hair extensions, fake nails and a teeth whitening kit. If you can free up your schedule, might as well buy a new outfit and get a blow out before meeting up. There’s no such thing as trying too hard for your future husband.
8. Post date communication is VITAL . You absolutely must “accidentally” Snapchat a photo of yourself in your bikini. All guys know, real girls prance around in their bikinis when home alone, well, when they’re not having pillow fights in their underwear. Make sure your sassy pic is in your bathroom mirror and not at the actual beach as the sunlight and scenery may distract from your hot body, your loverboy will NEVER see through your plan BUT to be safe be sure to follow up with “OMG! Sorry I meant to send that to my Mom”.
9. There are a lot of pretty girls out there, think of all the temptation your Prince Charming must conquer before he ultimately realizes you’re his Beyonce (and he’s your Jay Z). You wouldn’t want any old Kim Kardashian stepping into his life and acting like she’s his Beyonce would you? A wolf in sheep’s clothing per-say. Your move is to befriend each and every girl he’s ever friended (Facebook or otherwise). Keep your friends close and your enemies closer ladies.
10. My final and most important piece of advice, the liquid courage text. Even the most resistant of Y-Chromosomes loves the ego boost from a late night “Heyyyyyyyyyyyizctp”. Most likely, he’ll ask you to be his Valentine then and there but if he doesn’t an over dramatic “Why do youuuuu hateeee meeee?!?!? ;(” text will do the trick. Be sure to include a sad winky face, no one knows what to do with a sad winky face.
I may have tried any and/or
all of these tactics at some point, so I guess you can call me a relationship guru (of sorts). I’d say “Ask me for advice anytime” but after these tips you won’t need to, you’ll have your very own Taylor Swift style “Love Story” by V-Day, just watch!