I have a problem. I just can’t seem to let people go. I can’t banish someone from my life that I’ve loved at any point, in any capacity. It’s like asking to take a piece of my heart and just throw it into the ocean, to pretend it never existed.
For quite some time now I’ve had this inkling feeling that I’ll never be the person who is ultimately fulfilled through their career. I don’t have a passion I’m chasing, or an ideal career I dream about at night. My ideas sway like the wind, as if my heart can’t be tied down to a single path or idea. This is where my problem comes in. I think my lack of zest and fervor for a set path has led to an excess of devotion. As Coldplay would serenade, questions of science, science & progress, don’t speak as loud as my heart.
I’m overly, obsessively, madly passionate about people. Not every person. Not even most people, to invest myself full throttle into every single person…it would just be too much emotional strain, there’s not enough champagne in the world. But there are some people I’m just naturally drawn to, for whatever reason, as if their souls are made of the same material as my soul. Their joys become my joys & their tears become my tears. No matter the nature of these relationships (friends,family,boyfriend, etc) I can’t stand to let them fade, even if it’s natural, even if it’s better for me.
I guess I can’t understand not feeling that sort of love for people. I can’t understand friendships that dissipate. Puddles and shallow waters evaporate completely, but deep water-lakes and oceans, they don’t just disappear overnight. Shouldn’t real friendships be the same way, deep like the ocean, able to withstand more than a little “heat” or “awkwardness”?
I’ve always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve,
& sometimes, it sort of sucks.
I can’t help but wonder if I’ve never outgrown the childlike tendency to love too deeply to carelessly & if so what am I supposed to do about it?
Deep thoughts for December 4th people.
I think I’ll spend the rest of the night listening to more dramatic music by candlelight & in serious need of some serious champagne
(unfortunately the negative balance in my bank account begs to differ).
No bubbles for my troubles tonight.