For those of you who have been clinging to every word in my blog like it is golden and magical (Oh Jeff, it’s just you?!) you know I had sort of a rough Spring. I hinted that I was a bit depressed and definitely flat out owned my massive anxiety problem. For the first time ever I felt as if my life was spiraling out of control and the worst part was there was absolutely no reason…which made me feel even more awful. If I was going to be even one minute late to class I couldn’t make myself go, I would sit out in the parking lot of my school having a legit panic attack even though I knew I was being horrifically ridiculous.
Over the Summer I worked really hard to make my way out of my little “rut”. I talked to a counselor, I moved closer to school and I cut back my hours at work because I needed to…for my mental sanity. It’s taken time but it’s helped, and I’m finally in a place that feels normal. When fall arrived and the air grew cold and crisp and all the leaves burst into flames and covered the city streets I suddenly started to feel like me again. Was it the cool air? Was it the return to normalcy? Or was it simply the fact that I stopped trying SO hard?
It’s funny how I spent so long looking for my “old self”, and wishing to just be her and then when I gave up and stopped looking I found her (by the way I pinky swear I don’t have multiple personality disorder). Loosing a sense of who you are really makes you appreciate yourself when you’re “right”. Over the past year I’ve come to understand which parts of my personality I truly value and the qualities I believe make me me. On the other hand, it’s crazy how much you sabotage your own life when you are unhappy with yourself. I’ll admit, I’m being a drama queen here. I haven’t spent the past 6 months cliff diving Bella Swan style or anything but for me, I’ve been DRAMATIC, for me, I’ve been WRECKLESS. As my dear friend Miley would say, I came in like a wrecking ball (thanks for that analogy girl)!
Deep thoughts for a Tuesday perhaps? I can’t help myself, I’m so happy to finally feel right I’m wearing a real live tutu to class and really daydreaming about happy love and magical whimsy for the first time in a long time.
What do you do to help yourself out of a “rut” if you ever happen to find yourself in one? How do you keep from loosing your “sparkle” on the days that seem a bit more dull?