It’s weird, the way things become clear sometimes. Instead of slowly coming to an understanding, it’s all at once, and it leaves you wondering why your thoughts had ever been clouded or confused in the first place. It’s that feeling when you remember the word that had been on the tip of your tongue or when you realize you forgot to print your final paper as everyone is passing theirs forward in class. How could I have ever forgotten? How could I ever not know? It isn’t always about forgetting though, that “A-HA” feeling. Sometimes it’s about situations, how they could have gone, or worst yet, how they should have gone. It’s about people I’ve let go, about situations I wish could have gone differently. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m overly nostalgic. I start to miss moments before they’re even over and I collect happy memories like nineties kids collected beanie babies.
But sometimes pictures and notes and memories aren’t enough. Sometimes I can’t quite remember where things went wrong, I just know I’ve messed up. I should have bitten my tongue. I should have been a shoulder to cry on. I shouldn’t have judged so harshly. I should have sucked up my pride. I can’t stand loosing people and I can’t justify loosing people. If they hurt me, I forgive them. If I hurt them, I want to apologize and cry and grovel until they forgive me. Above all else, I believe it is most important to be good to people, to leave behind a legacy of love and kindness. Living out these values can be tough sometimes. Do I stand by a friend when it in turn means hurting another friend? Do I hold back my thoughts and beliefs and sacrifice sticking up for myself?
Today while watching Hannah Montana at work (yeah, I have a tough life) I learned a valuable lesson. The first lesson I learned was not to lie to your parents when you put a bunch of clothes from the flea market on your credit card (because Miley can’t afford the $75 shoes at the flea market…really believable Disney) but the second was more important, I remembered how important it is to be truthful to yourself. I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself the past year, and it’s been catching up to me (in A LOT of ways). It’s crazy what a huge effect internal discontent can bring to your “external life”. I highly, highly, highly, recommend letting yourself really feel the way you feel…and dealing with it right away, rather than burying and/or suppressing your true feelings for…you know, over a year.
Have I painted a pretty little picture for you about what has been going on in my little blonde head the past few days? There’s been a lot of “Would have, Should have, Could have” going on and as hard as it is to accept, I’m not really able to time travel just yet. And while I would totally welcome a magical time traveling pegasus to take me back (I’ve been reading a little too much Madeleine :’Engle lately) and let me erase any words or actions that may have hurt others…so far it’s not happening. Which leaves one more option, moving forward. Aha! Now just to figure out precisely how to do that…