So I’ve always sort of been that girl who always has a boyfriend, a relationship person per say. We can analyze my past and present relationships for hours but that’s for another day. Right now we’re here to talk about the world’s worst date ever, and how I came to wonder if I could possibly have rabies.
It all started innocently enough on a Tuesday? Wednesday? Possibly a Thursday night. I was trying to convince my Little to hangout with me Friday night. I probably wanted to have a sleepover in her dorm room and binge eat pizza and cookie dough. Who knows though, maybe I was feeling sassy and trying to get my dance on at a classy frat party? The point was she already had plans, and not just plans to study in the library that I could convince her to blow off with the promise of pizza on me. She had real plans, Date Dash plans. For those of you who never pledged four years of your life to the Greek system, “Date Dash” is a classy way of phrasing an exclusive party in most cases. There usually isn’t a romantic candlelit dinner involved and there usually are a bunch of drunk sweaty guys running around Animal House style, in other words, it’s sure to be a good time. Since she was just going with a guy friend I quickly tried to convince her to convince him to convince one of his dateless friends to invite me. I wasn’t looking for true love by any means, I just wanted to spend Friday night with my Little.
Of course, since I’m such a catch, she had no trouble finding me a date. I was ecstatic. I curled my hair, I clipped in my extensions, I may have even wore lipgloss, I was feeling sassy and ready for a night of shameless selfies with my adorable Little. Nothing could have prepared me for the night I had somehow committed myself too.
It started off fairly normal, a little awkward chatting, “What are you majoring in?”, “Where are you from?”, you know, the usual. But, as the universe would have it, things quickly got weird. My Little, her date, my date and I participated in a friendly game of beer pong, or so I thought. There’s a reason I was a cheerleader in high school and not the star softball player, and the reason is that I have absolutely no sense of hand eye, eye foot, or any coordination. So maybe I wasn’t doing so hot in beer pong, who cares, it’s not a real game anyways. Maybe my little and her date completely skunked us twice in a row, maybe they didn’t, I don’t remember and it’s not important anyways. The point was my date was furious. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me, he refused to engage in my favorite first date game of “Ask your Date the Weirdest Most Random Questions you can think of and Force Him to Answer” and he found no humor in my crazy obsession with treating my Little like my child. BORING. So my Little and I quickly ushered the group to the dance floor. BIG MISTAKE.
Suddenly Mr.I’M-NOT-GOING-TO-TELL-YOU-WHICH-ANIMAL-I-WOULD-BE-IF-I-HAD-ANIMORPH-POWERS was all into me. I was jumping around the way junior high girls do when “Everytime We Touch” comes on at a school dance and he was pulling out all his suave moves, placing his hands a little to low on my waist, stroking my hair, all so romantic in the hot humid basement of a frat house you know. Well this isn’t the worst part, my Little ran off to talk to the DJ guy (apparently she knew him or something) and I’m left with Mr.Creeper who’s all like “Can I talk to you for a minute” and young, innocent, naive nineteen year old me is all like “Sure Dude, have at it,” well he goes straight for the mouth (my mouth) and bam bites it. I was both horrified and baffled at the same time. Did this guy just bite me in the mouth? He must have been trying to kiss me? I don’t know. I made the best decision I could think of at the time which was just to act like it didn’t happen. Soon enough I saw my Little and her date and we all started dancing again. Well, Edward Cullen wasn’t done. He proceeded to bite my neck, and then my cheek. By this point I was getting a little freaked out. Was he actually trying to eat me? Was this supposed to be attractive? Did he want to turn me into a vampire? It was all too much. I grabbed my little and we planned an escape.
We told my super creepy half zombie half vampire date that we had to go to another party to meet up with friends or something. He just tagged along like…well like we had invited him (which we didn’t). I stopped to use the bathroom at the house of some friends who were having a party leaving my date to chat with my little. As I’m peeing I overhear him asking my Little if he can take me back to his fraternity sleeping porch for a little while AND assuring her it won’t take very long. Ummm….EXCUSE ME?! There were so many things wrong with this gesture, first of all is that romantic? Like at all? Second of all….I’m all of nineteen years old, I’m pretty sure it’s not acceptable to ask someone else’s permission to steal me away and bite me all night, pretty sure that should be my choice. So I stumble out of the bathroom playing like I’m super drunk. I’m no longer worried about hurting his feelings so my Little and I ditch him by entering the first frat party we can find because…obviously another frat isn’t going to let a guy outside their frat into their party…it’s like against the rules of college or something.
So that’s it, my worst date ever. It’s a year and half later and I still haven’t turned into a zombie which is a relief, but my Little and I still like to laugh about my socially awkward date who seemed to want to lure me into his biting cave.
Loving Erin and MacKensie’s “link up” idea, it was hard to choose my worst date at first…until I remembered this one.
What was your worst date? Did you get bitten on the lips? Is that normal in some culture?